


Murder on the Rockport Limited

by AmaraqWolf



Series: The Adventure Zone: Balance [3]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: i am still running at this project screaming with a battleax, more than just a transcript of canon, please listen to the podcast if you can, the mcelroy brothers are a lot funnier than i can ever hope to be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:55:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 31,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21537052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmaraqWolf/pseuds/AmaraqWolf
Summary: Our heroes' first mission as Reclaimers for the Bureau of Balance. Their initial task is an impossible one: do they possess the competence required to be on time for a train? The answer may surprise you. If you've read the title, however, it probably won't surprise you that Taako, Magnus, and Merle get all up in the business of a murder mystery.Note: This work is part of a collection aiming to adapt the incredible TAZ: Balance arc into a cohesive series of novels. I have several friends who are eager to experience the story but, for various reasons, cannot handle podcasts. Until the graphic novels catch up, this is for them. The story, plot, and characters belong to Griffin, Travis, Justin, and Clint McElroy; I highly recommend enjoying the incredible story through their podcast if you are capable of doing so. They're a lot funnier than I can ever hope to be. Otherwise, please enjoy!
Series: The Adventure Zone: Balance [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1491395
Kudos: 16





	1. A Rude Awakening, and a Cannon

Are you not entertained

And if you are

Why don't you make it rain on our ass…  
 **… It's T _he Adventure Zone._**

~~~~

An intercom message at three in the morning wakes them all up with a start.

"Would the Reclaimers Burnsides, Highchurch, and… Taako, please report to the briefing room."

"Aw, man," their roommate mumbles into his pillow. "What a _bummer_. I was just gettin' those _good_ z's." He pulls a small potion flask out from under his head. "I dunno why I keep these under here," he says. "It's very uncomfortable."

It's been around three weeks since Magnus, Taako, and Merle got their bracers. The room they're sleeping in is a humble dormitory provided by the Bureau of Balance, housing two bunk beds and not very much else, not even windows. The Director called it an 'entry-level' room. They get on decently well with their roommate, at least; he's a halfling named Robbie, but from the very first moment they met and Robbie asked them to grab him some pringles, all the three adventurers know him as is the affectionate on-the-nose nickname Pringles. Choosing bunks had also been a surprisingly low-key affair; Pringles already had one of the top bunks, so after some very polite discussion ('I'll choose after you, my friend'; 'no, no, _you_ go first, I insist!') Taako took the other top bunk so he would have some space to sleep in the way that elves sleep — which is to say, not at all, because it's more of a deep meditative state. Evolutionarily, it's meant to ensure elves are ready for any surprise that pops up in the middle of the night. Taako, in true Taako fashion, has on an intricate set of onesie pyjamas that would serve little to no purpose during a surprise attack except to ensure that he'll die right away.

"Yo, Pringles," says Magnus, instantly on his feet and grabbing his clothes. "Can I get one of them potions before we leave?"

"Um… what do ya need, what's your poison?"

"Give me your crunchiest potion."

"He's gonna want something that attracts dogs," Merle murmurs, still half-asleep.

"I've got — 's called my Hair of the Dog potion. It won't attract dogs so much as it'll get you just _real_ fucked up." Pringles digs under his pillow again and gives Magnus a small sampler vial, which Magnus slips into a pocket of his bag.

"D'you think, while you're out — some pringles, maybe?"

"You got it, dude."

They head to the briefing room, all still in their nightclothes, all carrying their daypacks. The Director is in there when they enter, looking as impeccable as she always does, reading from a large and dusty tome. It looks a bit like the scroll they saw the monk carrying to the Voidfish when they first arrived at the Bureau of Balance, only bigger. She's sitting over a large map that shows the landmasses of the world below, and whatever she's reading, it's clearly frustrating her. She puts the parchment down with a little more force than necessary and looks up at them.

"What," she says, "are you _wearing_. What is — what are you wearing?"

"What are _you_ wearing?" replies Magnus.

"I'm wearing my full business regalia."

"Cool."

"You got ink underneath that thing?" asks Merle.

"And the three of _you_ look like little nemos. Merle, I can see… three quarters, to four fifths, of your entire butt."

Merle's pyjamas have a butt flap in the back, and Merle has been too tired to think of fixing it.

"I'm sorry," Merle grunts. "I'm cheating you of one fraction."

" _This_ ," says Taako proudly, "is my sleepy sack! I get night terrors."

"The three of you will need to —"

"Somebody unzip me!"

"— the three of you are going to need to suit up in _record_ time into your business regalia, because I have a mission that I need you on _right now_."

"Give me, like, forty-five minutes?" Magnus asks.

"We don't have forty-five minutes. At most, I can give you four."

"OK." Magnus immediately starts changing into the clothes he has folded in his day pack. 

"Mere hours ago," the Director goes on, "one of our Reclaimers, a brave soldier named Leeman Kessler, was murdered in the city of Rockport."

"Aw," says Magnus, sounding maybe 60 percent genuine. "Bummer."

"His murder came at a most inopportune time, because he managed to locate —"

Against any sane person's better judgement, Taako laughs. "When would a murder come at an _opportune_ time?"

"It came at a most inopportune time, because he had _just_ managed to locate and retrieve one of the Grand Relics."

"His murder came at an opportune time," Magnus jokes. "He'd done _everything_ he wanted to with his life! Surrounded by family —"

"— who watched solemnly as an assassin came in," says Taako, "and buried a knife in his heart —"

"— and everyone agreed, it was the right time for that to happen!"

The Director patiently waits for them to finish, and then patiently waits for them to wilt slightly under her even stare. Then she continues. "Last night, we received a missive, telling of his success. But before we could extract him, a thick fog set in over Rockport, which prevented us from sending a sphere to collect him and the Relic. There _is_ a commuter train that operates out of Rockport, that runs from Rockport through the Teeth, the mountain range that separates the continent below, and ends in Neverwinter where we could, more safely and discreetly, extract him. He managed to secure passage on this train, and loaded his cargo onto the train. But before it could depart, he was murdered. Which is leaving us in quite a sticky situation."

"Do we know anything about the murderer?" Magnus asks. "Or how it actually went down?"

"We know nothing. We haven't been able to get into contact with the authorities, and even if we could, there's not much information we could tell them. It could lead to… I don't know, it could lead to a very difficult situation for us. We can't explain what he was doing there, why he was murdered. But we don't even _know_ why he was murdered, because ostensibly, no one would know about the Grand Relic, unless they were in the Bureau of Balance. We have a lot of unknowns."

"Do we know the status of the Relic right now?" Taako asks.

"It's on the train, as far as we know. And that is where the three of you come in. We will need one of you — it's up to you to decide whom —"

"Dibs!"

"O…K. That was fast. We will need one of you to impersonate Leeman —"

"Double dibs."

"— Leeman Kessler. I have secured two other tickets on the train, so all three of you can board, but one of you will need to be Leeman Kessler. You will need to retrieve the Relic, and get it back to us any way that you can."

"What did Leeman look like?" asks Merle.

Taako nods. "Yeah, what race was he?"

"Leeman was a half-elf man, but there's no guarantee that the operators of the Rockport Limited even know what he looked like. He could have secured his ticket in advance. So it's up to you. Any one of you can be Leeman, whoever has the… I guess the most panache, the most flair for the dramatic, whatever it takes. We'll need you to make believe. Make pretend. Like a couple of actors. Or — just one actor."

"What will the other two be doing?" asks Merle.

"The other two will be ensuring that the new Leeman Kessler, the fresh-off-the-block Leeman Kessler, isn't _murdered._ Because obviously someone's going around murdering Leeman Kesslers. This will be also a security job. You don't have to figure it out right now —"

"If somebody needs a bodyguard," Merle cuts in, "I'll be Leeman, so our best fighter is able to protect me and our best magician is able to protect me."

Taako looks at Merle, surprised. "Ooh."

"As opposed to all of our other magicians?" says Magnus, laughing.

"Well, _that's_ semantics," Taako retorts, looking highly pleased with himself. 

Magnus shakes his head and turns back to the Director. "What can you tell us about the artifact?"

In the three weeks Taako, Magnus, and Merle have spent at the Bureau of Balance, they've learnt a little more about the Relics, though not nearly as much as they hoped. Because the Relics have changed hands so many times, verified information is low on the ground. Many Bureau employees don't even know what the other Relics _are,_ let alone where one could find them, and if the Director has any more of a clue, she's never seen fit to share. What they _do_ know is that each of the seven Relics is associated with a different school of magic. The Phoenix Fire Gauntlet, for example, is — _was_ — from the Evocation School of magic.

"We don't know," the Director answers Magnus, looking a little frustrated about this. "We know we collected an artifact, but if that missive had been intercepted in the air, with that incredibly valuable and dangerous information, it could have fallen into enemy hands. So we purposefully keep it vague."

"Why does that matter? All anyone else would see is — whatever static _looks_ like, I guess."

"You can never be too careful, Magnus."

"Well, great. One more question before we go — how do the gauntlets work?"

"The what now?"

"The gauntlets. The — bracers."

"Oh! You just point and click."

"OK, cool. Where's Killian? Is she going to come with? I'd feel better if she were there."

"Killian is a Regulator. She cannot go with you on a Reclaiming mission."

"Can we signal for her if we get in trouble?"

"The only way you will signal for her is if you find the artifact and then _use_ it. _That_ signal, yes, will sound off, and then she _will_ come, but not for — _hang time_. She will kill all of you."

"OK, fine," Magnus grumbles.

"Let's do it," says Merle, his voice and demeanour a determined grunt. "Let's go change clothes."

Magnus straps on the last of his armour. "I'm good," he says. "I'm already changed."

The Director looks at Magnus for a moment, as if just realising he'd been changing directly in front of her. She opens her mouth to say something, and then appears to think better of it.

"Are you going to fire us out of a cannon?" Taako demands.

The Director smiles. "We _absolutely_ are going to fire you out of a cannon."

The only reason their responding cheers sound genuine and enthusiastic is that each of them independently decided, years ago, that half-assing things out of fear and caution is a lot less funny and a lot less fun than diving in ass-first whenever the opportunity arises.

~~~~

"What's uuup?" asks Pringles as they walk in to the dormitory so Taako and Merle can change. He lowers his voice to a stage whisper, which, for those of you familiar with stage acting, you will know can often be louder than a shout. " _Secret mission_?"

"Hey," says Merle at a more normal volume, "do you have any disguise potions?"

"Naw. I got a rusted root."

"I'll take it," says Magnus.

"Why d'you guys need a disguise potion? My potions aren't necessarily, um…"

"… useful?" Merle suggests.

"Yeeeah. They're not utilitarian in nature. Unless the utility you want is to get… real fucked up."

"I'll take one," Magnus says.

"I can't just keep giving you guys my potions —"

"I'll bring you back a rusted root."

"If you guys _actually_ bring me back a rusted root, I can throw in a mortar and pestle, and whip up a potion that's never been invented yet."

"Great," says Merle. "We'll do it."

Once they've gotten changed and gotten all their various equipment settled on the various parts of their persons — Merle with his earring, warhammer, Bible, and scuttle buddy, Magnus with his Railsplitter and gauntlet, Taako with his umbrella, two rings, and Wand of Switcharoo — they report to the hangar for departure. There's nearly no one there, because most people are asleep, because most people haven't been assigned secret 3 am missions. In fact, the only person who seems to be on duty is Avi, the guard who greeted them with the brandy flask when they first arrived. Magnus takes the small Hair of the Dog potion Pringles gave him out from his bag and downs the whole thing, because whatever getting shot out of a cannon entails, he's pretty sure he doesn't actually want to be cogent for the whole thing.

Immediately, he forgets how to speak.

"Hey guys," says Avi as they approach the edge of the hangar, looking genuinely delighted to see them. "What's up?"

"Avi," slurs Magnus, "'m real fucked up."

"Oh. _Dang_. What — what happened to this guy?"

"Hair of the dog bit him," Merle explains, while Taako giggles off to the side.

"You know you're not really supposed to get into one of these if you're… I mean, I won't tell, just —"

"It'll be fiiiiiiiiiiine," Magnus assures him, extremely confidently.

"… OK. You, uh. You kind of sound like some kind of wolf man."

"It's totally cooool, dude."

"Why — why is it whisper time?"

" _Shhhhhhhhhhh_."

"OK."

"Avi. Avi. Avi."

"Yeah?"

"Avi. … You're great."

"Thank you. Yes. Thank you for that."

"I think you're a cool duuude. Avi."

"Yep?"

"Avi. D'you wanna go on a mission?"

"I can't. I'm not — I can't. It's not my job."

"OK, we'll meet you down there."

"Well, I won't be able to —"

"Avi. Be cool for _two seconds_."

"I… I think I'm being pretty cool."

"Just — Avi —"

"Yeah?"

"Shhhhh shh shh shh. Be cool for _two seconds_."

"OK."

"We'll see you down there. Shh. Avi. It's a secret mission. Shh. Shh. Shhhhhhhhhh. We'll see you down there. _Wink_."

"He'll be okay," Merle says, trying to reassure Avi properly. "We've got him."

"Well, it seems like he's having a great time. I'd wink back, but I can't. Never learnt how!"

"Do you have any brandy we can take with us though?" asks Taako.

"No, I don't. It's like… three in the morning. I'm gonna actually cut you guys off."

Taako and Magnus _immediately_ object. " _You're_ cut off!" says Magnus in what he probably thinks is Faerun's greatest insult to date. 

"I don't — you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here, because I'm about to fire you out of a cannon. Have you guys used one of these before? Is this your first time getting shot?"

"Well, obviously we've been _blasted_ before," Merle answers, gesturing at the other two, and then again at Magnus for emphasis. "No cannons, though."

"OK. Well, it's pretty easy, guys. Just hop in —"

Magnus gets in.

"— it's the same type of sphere that you guys came into the Bureau on, same sort of situation. Four chairs, with straps, for you to lock in on. And, uh… yeah."

Magnus lays down on the two chairs in the back and almost immediately falls asleep.

"Ooh," says Avi, "careful, man. If you do that, you'll _definitely_ die."

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

"Just let him," says Merle. "Don't worry, I'll strap him in. I'll buckle him in in _both_ seats."

"… OK."

"Why is this a thing?" Taako demands, as his anticipation drives his fear up to snappy levels. "Can we just get in the fucking cannon or what?"

Merle laughs. "Taako wants _action_."

"I want action! I want out of this place!"

"OK," says Avi, "so there's one seat that is something like a captain's seat, which somebody will need to be in charge of."

Magnus raises his head. "I got it!"

"No," says Merle firmly. "No, man. Don't drink and drive. Don't drink potions and drive. Taako, want to be in charge of the landing?"

"Mmmmmnnnnnnnnnnn…"

"Get up there, big boy."

"Well, I mean — OK. I guess it makes sense. I'll take the reins."

"Well, there's not really _reins_ to speak of," Avi tells him. "You're gonna want to sit in this chair up front, and there's a handle that you're gonna feel — you feel that? On the left side?"

"Yeah, right there."

"He's feeling his handle," Merle says, chortling, as he buckles himself into the other seat.

"Yucko," says Taako. "Moving on."

Magnus, in the back, goes: "I got that!"

"What do I do with the totally nonsexual handle?" Taako asks Avi.

"This is super important," says Avi. "Before this thing hits the ground —"

The door slides shut.

"Yougottapullthehandle!" Avi yells through the thick glass wall, barely audible and barely understandable. "Pullthetotallynonsexualhandlerightbeforeithitstheground!Orelseyou'regonnadie!OKbye!"

"Got it!" Taako gives him a thumbs-up.

"What was that?" asks Merle.

"Probably Avi."

"OK. Kick it! Floor it!"

The sphere rolls into a large tube, and Magnus, for some reason, starts laughing uncontrollably. A hatch behind them slams shut. It's completely pitch-black inside the tube, no light filtering in through anywhere, until they feel the tube begin to descend with them inside it. A small aperture pinpoint of light opens up in front of them.

"Please put your head flush with the back of the chair," says a disembodied voice, "so you don't break any of your neck bones. I'm the flight safety person, and good luck. Departure in three… two… one…"

"What?"

The sphere is flung forward at a velocity the three adventurers might previously have considered unsurvivable. It arcs high into the air, then falls very very fast toward the ground at a wide angle, somewhere vaguely in the direction of Rockport as well as many square acres of swampland.

No prizes to whoever guesses where the sphere is going to end up landing.


	2. The Swampland

Nothing cool to say this time

Chapter cuts have thwarted me in...

... **T _he Adventure Zone._**

~~~~

The sun is rising over the Teeth, the towering mountain range that runs over the long isthmus connecting the two continents below. It is the scariest possible way to travel, being shot out of a cannon in a glass sphere, but its not without its benefits, because they get a gorgeous 360 degree panoramic view of the world around them as they soar through the sky.

They're descending through a flock of Pegasuses about a mile off the ground when Taako, who, it must be remembered, has _never done this before_ , decides that _now_ might be the time to pull the handle, so he pulls it. The sphere is encased in a silvery light and their descent starts to slow down. All of the Pegasuses escape unharmed, but their panicked flight around and on the glass sphere changes its trajectory dramatically, turning it ninety degrees to the left, away from a lush soft green pasture outside of Rockport and into the surrounding thickly wooded swampland a few _miles_ outside of Rockport.

There's nothing they can do, though, apart from hold hands and watch helplessly as the sphere pierces the canopy of the trees, and hope fervently that they aren't brutally killed.

Miraculously, it's not a crash landing. The silvery light surrounding the sphere, as well as the top tree layer, both slow them down just enough that their eventual landing into the swamp is less of a crash and more of a spectacular, very slow and very muddy _splash_. Mud goes flying up into the trees, splattering all the leaves. The sphere lands nearly upside down in the swamp, and gets held in place by the thick mire, so Taako, Merle, and Magnus end up hanging out of their chairs with the door submerged below them. 

They also end up slowly sinking into the swamp. 

Because of course they do. 

Perhaps the single _good_ thing about the situation is that getting shot out of a cannon will sober _anyone_ up real fast, and Magnus is no exception. "How mad will the Bureau be if I just smash this thing?" he asks, shifting in his straps to try and reach Railsplitter. "They have more, right?"

"We can try to roll backwards and free the door," Merle suggests.

"Sure! Let's try that."

"Might be kind of hard to get leverage," Taako comments. "Y'know, 'cause we're hanging."

"Let's unstrap," says Merle. "And then push against the side so we can get the sphere rolling until the door's free."

By the time all three of them manage to get unstrapped without falling comically on top of each other, the sphere is about one-third submerged in the swampy mire. Even if they could hamster-roll the entire thing as per Merle's suggestion, it's clear that there's nothing solid below them, which largely puts to bed any thoughts of hamster-rolling the entire thing. If they don't try to smash their way out before they sink further, they're probably going to die.

'Probably' is way too high a chance in Taako's book. "Just _smash_ it, Magnus!"

Magnus does exactly that, punching through the top of the sphere with his Phantom Fist gauntlet; a large spectral hand wraps around his own and the glass shatters before his tangible fist even touches it. One by one, they clamber out onto the relative surface of the swamp muck, and take in their surroundings.

It's tricky terrain, this swamp. It's hard to keep their footing on it, even with shorter height and training to keep sure footing anywhere. All three of them need to keep stomping around so they don't sink into the muck themselves, which doesn't help matters. The sphere sinks further into the muck behind them until they can barely see the top of it anymore, so it's probably a good thing they didn't leave any valuables in there.

"What if I were to use ray of frost?" asks Taako. "I could freeze the swamp around it. That sound good? Get a thing going, maybe?"

Merle shrugs. "It's worth a shot. Maybe the blue ring'll help you too."

"… It's a frost-resistance ring."

"Well, yeah, but it… ices beverages."

"A swamp is not a beverage. Swamps aren't drinkable."

"Don't force your choices on me! They are if you're not a coward."

Taako doesn't deign that with a return argument, and casts Ray of Frost on the swamp surrounding the submerged sphere to try and stop its sinkage. Fortunately, it works.

"OK," says Taako, in the tone of someone who is rolling up their sleeves, despite being someone who would never, on purpose, roll up their sleeves — at least not outside the kitchen. "Listen, we need to get busy here. I don't have any magic that can help point us in the direction we need to go. We're trying to catch a train, right? None of my spells are going to be helpful to us. Not Hideous Laughter, nothing. You guys have any spells, or abilities?"

"We could see Rockport when we landed," says Magnus. "We have a general idea where it is." He hesitates. " _I_ have a general idea where it is."

"Really? Where?"

Magnus gestures. "Over there."

"You just picked that randomly!"

"No I didn't! I'm not trying to get us even _more_ lost —"

_Gwoop. Gwoop._

As one, all three look up into the canopy of the trees above. For a flash of a second, Magnus could swear he sees a green, slimy eyestalk peeking out from the largest tree, but it zips back up into the leaves before he can be sure.

"Hello!" he calls out.

Nothing answers him.

"Do you know where the train is?"

The eyestalk pops back out. Further down the tree, another eyestalk pops out. Then, from a completely different tree, _another_ eyestalk pops out.

Magnus waves at them all. "What up?"

Three dark green leeches begin to slime their way out of the trees, descending down on strings of goo to plop down on the surface of the swampy muck. The biggest one rears back as soon as it lands and opens its mouth, revealing three layers of razer-sharp teeth, to hiss threateningly.

"Hello!" Magnus says cheerfully, waving at it again. "I was asking about a train?"

Merle, who doesn't for a _second_ believe that the dark green threatening leeches can possibly be friendly, raises his hand and casts Thorn Whip on them. A long, vine-like whip covered in thorns lashes out into the nearest one like a lasso.

"Don't move 'em!" Magnus yells. "Let them sink in the swamp!"

Merle just barely manages to avoid pulling the leech closer to him, as Thorn Whip so often does. The thorns dig damagingly into the leech's flesh, drawing more of the _gwoop gwoop_ noise out of it. The swamp around Merle's feet gives way a little bit, though, and with a startled cry Merle finds himself waist-deep in the muck and unable to move.

Magnus moves to the nearest tree trunk and, with one well-placed devastating _chop_ , fells the tree at an angle where it will land right on top of all three leeches. The axe moves through the trunk like a baseball bat through a ghost, and the tree falls in a straight line exactly as Magnus intended, but two of the three leeches manage to dart out of the way surprisingly quickly. The last one is obliterated by the tree trunk with a satisfying _crunch_ as Magnus leaps up on top of the tree's stump.

One of the surviving leeches makes for the stump, but instead of lunging forward to attack Magnus, like Magnus anticipates, it rears back, opens its big snorlax-like mouth, and sprays a stinky yellow fluid from the back of its mouth. Magnus barely manages to duck in time. The fluid spray hits the swamp water behind him, hissing faintly.

"Guys!" Magnus shouts. "Look out for their glottis!"

The leech injured from Merle's Thorn Whip makes for Merle instead, possibly out of revenge, possibly because Merle is waist-deep in the muck and helpless to move. Its jaws latch onto Merle's arm and it begins sucking up blood like lemonade out of a straw. When it detaches, it looks hardier than it did before.

Taako's been doing something like a tap dance on top of the swamp water to keep from sinking in himself. With both Magnus and Merle now otherwise occupied, he lifts the umbrella and casts Thunder Wave. As the name implies, a wave of thunderous force crashes out from Taako's body and pitches both the leeches backwards, crackling with damaging static, just past Magnus's tree stump. The force of the hit pushes Taako under the surface of the muck, and before he knows it, he is _also_ waist-deep in the swamp, unable to move.

"Well, them's the breaks," he says. "Guys, bad news! I lost my legs!"

Merle casts Sacred Flame. Flame-like radiance descends on the leech that sucked Merle's blood. "Eat me!" he yells at it as he sinks completely into the slime.

Magnus leaps off the stump onto the felled tree's trunk and races along its length to where Merle's head just vanished below the surface. "Merle! Can you hear me?"

Merle's voice comes back muffled and bubbly and _extremely_ sarcastic. "'M mrrfihe Mughnuf! Mghg't mughhf mghnhg mgh!"

"I'm coming to _get_ you, Merle!"

Magnus leaps from the tree trunk into the swamp. His Leaping Loafers, taken from Merle's cousin back in Wave Echo Cave, enhance his leaping distance by several dozen feet, and he easily lands right on top of the swamp water next to Merle. He plunges his hand into the goo, takes hold of Merle's beard, and pulls him out in one smooth motion. Merle, spluttering and gasping for breath, and moaning from the pain of Magnus pulling on his beard, takes more than a few seconds to recover.

The leeches don't need those few seconds. One of them attacks Magnus again with its stinky yellow fluid, and Magnus doesn't manage to dodge this time. It solidifies alarmingly quickly on his skin into something resembling sticky webbing, and he suddenly finds that he can't move his legs. The other leech tries to chow down on Taako, but despite Taako presenting a standing target, it misses.

Taako sinks several inches deeper into the goo.

"Grab onto my waist belt!" Magnus instructs him. "Pull yourself up on my groin!"

"Weell… that's okay, I'll just levitate. I'm cool, thanks."

Taako casts Levitate, one of the trickier basic Transmutation spells. The swamp opens up around him like a mouth, and his entire body floats out of the goo to levitate in the air beside Magnus and Merle. For a moment, it seems like even the _leeches_ stare at this spectacle, mouths agape.

"Why didn't you do that _before_!?" Magnus demands.

Taako shrugs. "You seemed like you had it handled. Also, I can't really move now. I'm like a big balloon!"

Merle swings his warhammer into the nearest leech, and when he pulls it back, the leech is entirely dead with a warhammer-shaped indent in its gooey flesh.

"I thought I'd be more excited," says Taako, looking down at the dead leech, "but it's just kind of sad."

"You're welcome." Merle jumps several steps back to avoid sinking into the wet swamp again.

Magnus swings Railsplitter two-handed down onto the last remaining leech, shaving a third of its gooey flesh off of its slimy body, and the only reason he doesn't manage to kill it with that one slice is that he's lost a lot of his leverage by sinking up to his knees in the swamp muck. The leech tries to leech onto his arm to suck some blood, and Magnus twists out of the way with a sharp Railsplitter uppercut. Half of the leech goes flying way deep into the swamp.

"Good upper body, dude!" Merle gives him a thumbs-up.

"Thanks, bro!"

"What do you say we go catch that train?"

"Unless you want to take half the swamp with us, _pull me out first_!"


	3. Sprinkler Party

Time to make up your mind

And ignore the lack of a second rhyme

As you enter…  
… **T _he Adventure Zone._**

~~~~

Merle, Taako, and Magnus roll into Rockport after escaping the swamp, looking and smelling like complete and utter shit. Taako, who can't quite turn _off_ his levitation spell without letting it run its natural course, remains a balloon for the duration, and Magnus has to push the Taako balloon ahead of them like some really weird game of air hockey. 

The train departs at 10:15, according to the tickets the Director gave them. By the time they make it into Rockport proper, it's 9:45. This _would_ be plenty of time, if they weren't all covered in dried-up stinky yellow fluid from the waist down, and if Merle didn't look like some sort of pale spooky shit monster with slime caked into his clothes, hair, and beard. A train with a name like 'Rockport Limited' would probably turn them away miles from the station.

Rockport is a city of iron and industry, built into the base of one of the huge mountains that make up the Teeth. The main avenue is lined with factories and a building proudly but uncreatively called the Museum of Industry, with the train station at the other end situated far into the rock of the mountain. The streets are _packed_ with people, and every single one of them looks like they have somewhere important to be.

"If we're gonna be running a scam," says Taako as his body finally remembers how gravity works and he touches gently back down onto the cobblestone path, "we need to find somewhere to get cleaned up, right?"

"Where's the nearest brothel?" asks Magnus.

"… OK, I don't see how _that's_ going to help us, but —"

"'Cause you can get baths at a brothel. And I figure the place where they're going to ask the least amount of questions is the brothel."

"Is there someone around here we can ask?"

"Someone with a lot of makeup and a beauty mark?" Merle adds, grinning at Magnus.

They do manage to get help from a constable-looking fellow who informs them that he is part of the tourism and welcome committee. Merle asks him where the nearest brothel is; the look on the constable's face tells them they're not going to get an answer to _that_ question, so Magnus instructs him to disregard the old dwarf in favour of more a more reasonable request.

"Ignore the shit monster. Is there anywhere we can bathe in a real quick hurry?"

"That's kind of a weird request, but it does seem like you need it. You guys stink."

"I heard Rockport was a city that welcomes _all_ kinds."

"Yeah, we do, I guess…"

"Including shit monsters!" Merle says.

"… kind of begrudgingly. We have a bathatorium."

"Great!" says Magnus. "Where's that?"

"It's on the outskirts of town, about twenty-five miles out."

"Your help, sir, is shitty. It's shitty help."

The constable shakes his head. "You guys can come back to my house, if you want. I've got a hose."

"Yes! Perfect!"

"— oh, you're… you're okay with that?"

"Hell yeah! How far away is your house?"

"It's right here. We're right in front of it."

No one is especially happy about this turn of events, not least Ron Bodett, which, as it turns out, is the constable's name. The one exception is Magnus, who may, in fact, be obsessed with dogs because he acts like one himself. In one last-ditch effort to get rid of them, Ron Bodett's hose springs an entirely coincidental leak ('oh no, the hose doesn't work, that's a _shame_ , you guys are just going to have to —') but Merle comes right up next to the faucet and washes himself off that way, splashing water onto his head and chest. He isn't willing to spend another _second_ smelling like stinky poison. The others quickly follow suit, and then take turns blasting each other with Ron Bodett's hose, keeping the leak covered with hands and fingers, while Ron Bodett looks on, helpless to stop them.

It's a quick ten-minute sprinkler party. Eventually, through no one's fault, they get clean.

Taako casts an easy mending spell on the hose and passes it back to Ron Bodett. "I wanted to do something for you," he says, wearing a large, charming, and ultimately worrying grin. "Check this out."

"Oh, my hose! Thanks, dude. My dad gave me this hose."

"Np, np."

"… Np?"

"No problem."

"Oh." Ron Bodett can't help a smile of his own. "Good to meet you guys."

"OK, time to go!" Magnus announces, jogging away.

"Wait, I have mimosas! You guys want some mimosas?"

"Sorry, Tom Bodett, we've got to get out of here! We'll see you when we come through Rockport again!"

"… My name's not —"

They don't hear the rest of the objection, because they're all running towards the train station as fast as they can.

They make it to the ticket counter in time, by some small miracle, with minutes to spare. Standing behind the counter is Ron Bodett, who stares when he sees them running up.

"Oh," he says, surprised. "You guys were taking the train? You should have said something, I — I don't think I caught your names."

"I'm Leeman Kessler," Merle says without missing a beat. "I believe there's already a ticket for me."

"There is, yeah! And we're holding some of your cargo as well, let me get that —" He produces a shimmering, platinum train ticket from underneath the desk and slides it across to Merle. "Mr Kessler, you're really going to enjoy the journey. Are these two coming with you?"

"These are my retainers. This is Beau, and that's Didley. We're —"

"Which one's which?"

"Oh, the short one that has kind of a vague look in his eyes, that's Beau —"

"OK, but you've just described — they're kind of the same height, and they both look kind of vague."

"OK, the one who's pretending to be a wizard is Beau."

"I'm Leon Kessler," says Taako, holding out his hand.

Ron Bodett looks at them both, confused and unsure as to whether he should be suspicious or not. "Are you guys… related?"

"Yes," says Merle tightly. "He spells his with an 'o'. That's Leon. He's my twin brother. He works for me."

"I thought you said —"

"We've got to go," Magnus cuts in gruffly, "so if you'll excuse us…?"

"I'm really glad that the three of you are who you say you are," says Ron Bodett, "because if you were pulling some sort of ruse right now, it would go very, very poorly."

" _Goodness_ , no!"

"So Leeman, Leon, and… Didley?"

Taako shakes his head. "My name's Flan Bodett."

They're all utterly silent for the stretch of two seconds.

"OK," says Ron Bodett, leaning forward. "We're going to stop here for a moment, and I'm going to go down the line, and when I _point_ at you, you tell me what your name is. Obviously, Leeman Kessler." He points at Merle. "Got that one. And _you_ are…?"

"Mhm," says Magnus on the other end of his pointing finger. "Yes. Go on."

"Tell him you're Leeroy Kessler," Merle hisses.

"No. I'm _Didley_ Kessler."

"Didley, that's what I thought," says Ron Bodett, nodding. He looks at Taako. "And you, wizardly looking fellow?"

"… Justin."

"Perfect. OK. Justin, Leeman, and Didley. Didley and Justin, you guys have your own tickets, I'm hoping, please, god?"

"Uhh…"

Taako casts Charm Person on Ron Bodett, surreptitiously, with a gentle breath of a word, and instantly Ron Bodett's deeply suspicious and skeptical smile turns genuine. " _Heeey_ ," he says, like he's only just now seeing them for the first time. "What can I do for you guys? You guys want a kiss?"

"Tickets!" says Merle, again without missing a beat. "My retainers need tickets."

"Well, I already gave you yours, and they seem to have their own already."

"We just need the cargo," says Magnus, "and then we're gonna get on the train."

"Can I say something? And this might sound weird. But I think the three of you are _exactly_ who you're telling me you are. And I don't — again, seems like a weird thing to say, but I am just so charmed by you."

"Nothing weird about it," Merle assures him. "It's all normal. By the way, we've got a sleeper car, right?"

"You do, yeah, and a seat on the passenger train as well."

"Give me some snacks," says Taako.

"OK." Ron Bodett slides some snacks across the counter for Taako to pick up. "I was going to have these as a lunchtime snack, but you seem to need it more than me. You guys are actually the last passengers to get here, so if you want, I can show you onto the train." He comes out from behind the ticket booth and leads the trio over to where the train waits, a massive spectacle of progress and industry. "So, Mr Kessler, what brings you to Neverwinter today?"

"Combination of business and pleasure," Merle answers.

"Oh, busspleasure, huh? I've heard of that. Pleasness."

"I've got to keep it pretty close to the chest. You understand, don't you, Tom?"

"It's Ron. We've already received your cargo, and we already have it locked in the cargo car."

"Good."

"So that's not going to be an issue, that's going to get there safe and sound. It was rated as a high-priority item, and so it's protocol for me to walk our VIP passengers through the security process. If you'll just come with me."

He takes them onto the train platform, which is a cavern carved into the foot of the Teeth, but somehow isn't as drab as you might expect a cave to be. It's well lit, with carved fountains and decor along the rock walls, with a grand entryway onto the Rockport Limited and a separate, smaller entryway onto the Rockport Limited's cargo car. Ron Bodett takes them to a _different_ cargo car, a mock cargo car, functional but for display only, sitting on the platform a short distance away from the train tracks. He hums as he goes, in tune with the humming of the train behind them, and pops the caboose door of the display cargo car.

"Come on in," he says, "I'll show you around. This is the cargo car that is on all of our trains. It'll be on the Rockport Limited to Neverwinter. As you can see, there are no windows, keeps things nice and secure from marauders. Most of the line runs through the mountain, so we're not especially worried about train jumpers, if you will."

"Have you had any incidents recently?" asks Taako.

"Never. We have _never_ lost a piece of cargo. We have never lost anything that we have locked away. And that is because of _this_ thing."

He points to the middle of the car, where there's a five-by-five foot onyx cube built into the floor.

"This," he says proudly, "is a CryptSafe."

Magnus laughs. "A Crypt _Keeper_ , if you will."

"If you want to be that way. If you want to be that guy, sure. This is indestructible; no one's gonna be smashing into a CryptSafe any time soon."

"May I test that?" asks Magnus.

"If you want. But don't use the weapon that you _like_ to do it."

"… Never mind."

"OK. What makes it special is its time lock, meaning only a Rockport Limited employee can open it, and only with one hour of sustained physical contact. So even if a robber did somehow manage to get on board, or if somebody managed to pass our screening process, they are not going to be able to pop this thing open. They would need somebody who works here to do so, and they would need to stand there for an hour, which just simply would not happen. It is _the_ safest way to get your cargo from Point A to Point B."

"Doesn't that really slow down the luggage unloading process?" Magnus asks, frowning at the CryptSafe.

"By about an hour, yes! But the train makes a two hundred mile journey in four hours, and you would be hard-pressed to find a form of transportation that is going to be _that_ expedient in the world, so…"

Merle nods. "Well, Tom, I'm sure that —"

"Ron. My name is Ron."

"— since I've done this many times before, you have some kind of back-door method for me to check — just to make sure that my merchandise is safe."

"Your cargo has already been loaded onto the actual train, and once we put it in the CryptSafe, it actually becomes the property of Rockport Limited until the train reaches its final destination. That, unfortunately will not be possible, but believe me, it's in good hands. The _best_ hands."

Merle seems unconvinced. Magnus, on the other hand, aware that the Charm spell doesn't last very long and _intimately_ aware that the train is about to leave any minute, grips Merle's shoulder and grins at Ron Bodett. "OK! Sounds great. Let's go."

"It doesn't sound great," Merle mumbles to himself. "It doesn't sound good at all. It sounds like a setup for something. This is bad."

"You know I heard all of that?" says Ron Bodett.

"Shh! Tom! You're still charmed!"says Magnus.

"Can I say something? I _loved_ it. I _love_ your caution, and I _love_ how suspicious you're all being."

Merle nods. "Listen, Tom, when we're all done with you —"

"— we will kiss."

"What?"

"No. Sorry?"

"I want you to step in front of the next train that's coming by."

" _No_!" Magnus pushes Merle toward the train. "Disregard that! Do _not_ do that, Tom Bodett! We can't kill Tom Bodett, Merle! He's got little Bodetts at home!"

Ron Bodett, still charmed, still with a half-dazed look in his eye obvious to the knowledgeable and observant, tilts his head in a confused manner. "What… what happens when I do?"

"Oh, it's a once-in-a-lifetime experience," Merle tells him.

Magnus clamps a hand over his mouth. " _No_! Merle, you're a _cleric_!"

"Mrrghdffming!" Merle says.

"You have a what?"

"I said I have a feeling!"

"OK," says Ron Bodett, still looking confused, and, somewhere underneath the charm, a little worried.

"All aboard!" someone near the Rockport Limited announces.

Ron Bodett nods. "Well. Time to… time to go, I guess. I'll show you guys how —"

"OK, OK, let me clarify," says Merle, extremely reluctantly. "Not a _moving_ train. Just step in front of a train, wave goodbye, and then step off the tracks again."

"OK, that seems weird — weird _er_ , even, but — if it'll make you guys happy! Let's get you situated."

"This is _going_ to come back and bite us in the ass," Merle informs Magnus in a low voice as they board the train, "I _guarantee_ it."

"Not killing Tom Bodett is going to come back and bite us in the ass?"

"You'll see," Merle says darkly.

He's right, of course, and despite Magnus's objections and Taako's total indifference, they all know it. There's practically a zero percent chance this train journey _won't_ end in a fiery explosion in someone's back garden, and that's not even counting whatever it is the Grand Relic does.


	4. Full of Fateful Meetings

Come on ride the train

It's the choo-choo and ride it…  
… **It's T _he Adventure Zone._**

~~~~

The inside of the Rockport Limited is luxury incarnate. It's gilded with gold, silver, and platinum on the walls and roof. It smells great, like some sort of mixture of lavender and sandalwood. It has an overall posh interior and comfy seats in the main passenger car, which is where a tall and well-dressed elven man sporting the Rockport Limited logo greets Magnus, Taako, and Merle with a friendly and professional manner.

He has a moustache. Facial hair is very rare among elves, and Taako is immediately deeply suspicious.

"Tickets and weapons, please?" the man asks them.

"No problem," says Taako. "But hey, is it OK if I keep my umbrella? In case of a storm?"

"Well… yeah, I wouldn't typically consider that to be a weapon. Can I see your tickets, please, though?"

Merle hands all three of their tickets over for inspection. 

"Oh, Leeman Kessler," the man says as he looks the tickets over. "Yes, I understand we're transporting a _very_ valuable piece of cargo for you."

"Yes," says Magnus, straight-faced. "Please take good care of his package."

"Terrific," says the ticket-checker, looking both bored and exasperated. "This is a fancy train, so… maybe watch your insinuations. My name is Hudson, I'm the engineer of this train. Welcome aboard, we're happy to have you. We know that you have lots of choices to pick from for subterranean intercity travel here, and we sure do appreciate the fact that you picked us."

Magnus nods. "Well, we tried to get on the Rockport _Un_ limited, but it was full."

"That train is a little too extreme for most people. It doesn't even go on rails."

"Oh? Where does it go?"

"It doesn't even get to its destination usually, it crashes. But thank you for joining _us_. You all are in luck, this is not a very full train, you'll have your pick of seating in the passenger car. You have your own room —"

"I didn't introduce myself," Taako interrupts. 

"Oh, sorry, yes. Go right ahead."

"I have a name as well."

"Terrific."

"Good day to you," Taako says slowly, like he's trying to remember a previously memorised script — which is, in fact, exactly what he's doing. "Thank you, for having me, on board your choo-choo."

"… Are you disembarking? We haven't even left the station yet."

"I need to find a seat, that has a comfort, equitable, to my, situation."

"I appreciate your fancy speech," Hudson says, with a frown that belies the exact opposite. "That is how we —"

"Gratuities to you, for the compliment."

"Sure. Now, I will be in here —" Hudson points to the head of the train, where the entrance to the engine car sits boldly inviting anyone who isn't Hudson the engineer to just _try_ breaking in, large and metal and high-security. "I will be in there for the duration of the trip. I won't be coming out, as a security measure, to make sure no one else takes the helm. I'm sure some of you would _like_ to learn how a… _choo-choo_ works —"

Magnus nods. "I'd like to sit in your lap."

"You are not alone in that desire. But unfortunately, it's engineers only in the engine car. After the trip, I will escort you to the CryptSafe in the caboose, and I will help you retrieve your package."

"Sorry," says Taako, "just to clarify, where was the package again…?"

"The package is in the caboose."

Taako, Magnus, and Merle all dissolve into piles of sniggers.

"Thank you very much," says Magnus when he recovers, "we'll be retiring to our rooms now." 

"OK," says Hudson, stone-faced. "Well, this was a great talk. Before you go I just need to grab your weapons from you. Your weapons will also be locked up in the vault, and we'll be returning them to you as soon as we reach our final destination."

"But my whole body is a weapon," Magnus protests. "You see, I've trained myself —"

"Are you one of those magic flesh-swords?"

"... I am."

"I've heard about those, where a young witch kisses a sword and it turns into a human man."

"It was something like that."

"I read about that in my penthouse magazine."

"I never believed it would happen to me."

"No, just give me those weapons and I'll lock them right up. You'll never know they were missing. Unless you need them. Which you won't. Because this train is super safe."

Magnus hands over all his weapons except for the glove which lets him punch people with a large phantom fist. "I have smelly hand syndrome," he explains as he pulls the glove on tighter.

Hudson stares at him. "Oh my god."

"I know, it's —"

"Me _too_. I didn't think I'd ever meet another!" Hudson pulls off one the leather gloves he's wearing, and, predictably, a stink fills the air, one that's almost definitely a magical curse in nature.

"I mean, that's pretty bad, I guess," says Magnus, who hadn't expected to need to lie beyond the first sentence.

"Can I have a whiff of your brand?"

"Unfortunately, no. Um — there was a — it's part of the curse, that I'm not allowed to remove my gauntlet —"

"I made myself very vulnerable just then."

Taako bursts out laughing. "Let the man smell your hand, Magnus!"

"I can't — I can't do that. I'm not at that point in my therapy yet."

" _Fine_." Hudson pulls his glove back on, clearly irritated, and gathers up their weapons. "Your weapons will be waiting for you when we reach Neverwinter."

He heads toward the caboose of the train, leaving Magnus, Merle, and Taako alone. A few minutes later, he comes back out and heads straight for the engine car. The large metal doors slams shut behind him with a high-security _klunk_.

~~~~

There are only three other passengers in the passenger car when Magnus, Merle, and Taako pass through it on the way to their sleeping quarters. None of those passengers are sitting together or conversing, so it's clear none of them know each other. One of them is a stout dwarven woman with the biggest muscles any of them have ever seen on a living person — bigger even than Magnus's. She fidgets a little as she looks out the window, moderately uncomfortable in the posh surroundings of the train. Two rows behind her and on the other side of the car sits a young human boy wearing a feathered cap and a fancy suit, reading a schoolbook. A few rows behind _him_ there's a young round human man with a great big bushy beard, wearing trashy wizard's robes that say JUICY on the back down near his butt. 

No one speaks to them as they pass through the car, although the young schoolboy looks up and studies them openly with obvious interest.

There's another elf in the chamber between compartments accidentally blocking their way, too. He's tall for an elf, and he's wearing the Rockport Limited uniform, as well as a big technicolour bowtie that sports shifting prismatic hues.

"Hello," he says, surprised. "Oh, new passengers. I haven't met you. Welcome to the —"

"Who poured a bucket of water over _this_ guy?" Taako demands.

He doesn't ask because the man is physically dripping wet. He asks because the man's voice is exactly the sort of voice you would expect someone to have if someone had just dumped a bucket of cold water over them. It's a voice that sounds sad, and mildly exasperated, and stuffy, and ever-so-slightly righteously arrogant, even when it sounds otherwise completely neutral.

"… welcome to the train," he goes on smoothly. "My name is Jenkins. Can I help you find your seats? Or where to put your luggage?"

"I like your tie, Jenkins," says Taako with a grin. "Tell me about it."

"This is my _flair_. We all get to wear one piece of flair on Tuesdays."

"What does it do?"

"It looks amazing."

"Well, _yes_ ," says Magnus, "but what does it _do_ , stud?"

"It doesn't possess any magical properties or —"

"Does it spin?"

"Stop. Stop."

"No, I want to unfold this bow tie thing!"

"Wait. _Stop_. Let's start over. Hello, I'm Jenkins. I'm the wizard attendant on the Rockport Limited. I will help you with your bags —"

Magnus slowly reaches out a hand for Jenkins' bow tie.

"… OK. You can… touch it, I guess. A light, surface touch."

"You can keep going," Magnus assures him.

"A light, surface-level touch would be preferred."

"Are you an attendant who's a wizard?" asks Merle. "Or an attendant _for_ a wizard?"

"I am a wizard who attends to your needs on this train. You let me know if you have any questions — I'll then take your bags, and I have a few other luxury services I can provide to you. I can take you into one of our pleasure rooms."

There's a brief, but very pregnant, pause.

"I'm cool," says Taako.

"No thank you," says Magnus.

"Pass," says Merle.

"Gentlemen, it's not — it's not nearly as salacious as I made it sound. It's just when I say things, with my voice, it always sounds like I'm talking about slow sex."

"Jenkins, I just noticed, I think your tie's too tight," says Magnus. He pulls on the edge of one part to loosen it a little. "Does that help?"

"I feel very comfortable now, yes," says Jenkins speculatively in a voice that hasn't changed in any way, shape, or form. 

Jenkins helps the three adventurers load their bags into the sleeper car, where a triple bunk bed awaits them should they decide to take a nap, like a Neapolitan ice cream sandwich of dudes. "This is the sleeper car," Jenkins helpfully informs them. "You can rest in here. The trip will take about three hours once the train departs, which it should any minute. You won't need a full night's sleep. But if you're feeling nappy, this is the place for it."

"Jenkins, can I ask you a question?" says Magnus.

"I'm not finished."

"OK."

"What you're going to want to do is place the pillow underneath your —"

"We know how to rest!" Taako interrupts impatiently. 

"I'm just checking. I'm here to attend to your every need, after all. So you're all set on blankets?"

"We actually need extra pillows," Magnus says. "I sleep with a pillow between my knees, and between my elbows, and under my head, and under my feet…"

"I will bring you extra pillows. Now, the car that you passed through on your way here was the passenger car, and that is a car that is great for sitting."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Merle mutters.

Magnus glances back through the door. "Jenkins, I saw a dwarven woman in there, and I could swear I recognise her, but I can't remember her name. And I don't want that awkward moment, you know what I mean? Do you have any information on her?"

"I'm… not supposed to share privileged information, concerning the identity of —"

"Come on, Jenkins."

"We run a very discreet travel service."

"Jenkiiiiiins…"

"Remember us messing with your tiiie?" Taako adds enticingly.

"I remember you touching my tie when I requested you do not, yes."

"We helped you out," Merle reminds him. "And that felt _good_ , remember?"

Jenkins sighs. "OK, but you didn't hear this from me. Have you ever heard of Jess the Beheader?"

"Uh-huh."

Merle perks up. "WWE, right?"

"She is a famous midworld wrestling federation star. Of course, I don't know why they call it wrestling, because it _is_ a blood sport, there's not so much as grappling as there is, you know, deadly melee."

"You probably wrestle with your conscience after you kill somebody."

"Yes. And she has a very _particular_ way of dispatching her foes."

Magnus nods. "Is it possibly that she _unheads_ them?"

"She cuts their butt off," guesses Taako.

"Yes. No. … What?"

"Did I get it, Jenkins?"

"Yes. You got it. Ten out of ten."

"Just between us wizards?"

"A hundred trivia points to you." Jenkins rolls his eyes. "I don't know what brings her on the train. I had to carry her axe into the back car, and bow howdy, did that thing weigh a metric ton. I don't mean to complain, I'm happy to do the work —"

"It's not where you thought you'd end up in life," says Magnus, amused, "but, you know, life's a continuing, evolving adventure."

"I love life on the rails. You meet a lot of interesting people…"

"Did you… _carry_ the axe back there?" asks Taako with a frown.

"Yes."

"… Kind of a shitty wizard."

"I'm sorry, sir?"

"Second-level stuff, that's all I'm saying."

"No, please, let's have a _wizardly chat_. What am I going to do, burn one of my daily spell slots on making an axe levitate?"

Taako _laughs_. "Oh, sorry, I didn't realise life on the rails was so _demanding_ that you've got to have _pyrotechnics_ at your fingertips twenty four sev!"

"Or you could do what I do," says Merle, "and have _unlimited_ spell slots, and use every spell in existence whether you know it or not."

Taako nods. "From every discipline!"

Jenkins elects to ignore this completely. "Now," he says, smoothly continuing the tour, "behind the sleeper car is our dining car, you can go there to —"

"Peace," says Magnus, and walks off in that direction.

"We can walk _with_ you," Jenkins protests, "and — no? OK. You can get one free complimentary meal of your choice — I'm also the chef. I'll make sure to bake a lot of love into whatever you order."

"Oh," Taako mutters through a mouthful of carrot he's munching on quite happily. "You're saving your spells for _that_?"

"And then behind that, of course, is the cargo car, where you would have been walked through our security protocols at the station. And that's it, we're done. Let me know if you need anything else, but… don't expect a quick response." Jenkins hesitates and shakes his head. "I'm sorry. Of _course_ it will be a quick response."

"How do we summon you, Jenkins?" asks Merle.

"Well, the train has four goddamn cars, so just open up all the doors and I'll be somewhere there."

"Right," says Magnus, "but is there like a magic word, or a whistle somewhere?"

"I — yes. A witch kissed me, and cursed me, so that anytime anyone yells a secret word, I have to tend to their every need, and that word is my _fucking_ name, Jenkins."

"Got it."

"Jenkins, would you open a window please?" Merle asks, just to test it.

"Careful," murmurs Taako, "don't burn a _spell slot_ on it."

Jenkins gives them all a flat, exasperated look. "I… yes. Here."

He opens a window.

"Is that good?"

Merle nods. "Perfect."

The train lurches and starts to move forward.

Jenkins looks out of the window he just opened at the railyard, and frowns. "There's a man standing in front of a train," he says, "which is… peculiar. If you'll excuse me, I have to handle that situation. Excuse me."

"Are your spell slots working, or…?"

"OK, I'm gone. Smell you later."

~~~~

Taako, Magnus, and Merle head into the passenger car, easily keeping their balance with the sway of the train, and they're surprised to find it empty. From the dining car beyond comes a cry of "Oh, wow! Oh _man_!" and Magnus leads the charge over there to see what could possibly be going on.

The dining car is easily the fanciest car on the train, with two crystal chandeliers hanging from the ceiling over eight five-seat tables that are intricately set. Large windows overlook craggy cliffs and dark overhangs inside the mountain the train is zooming through. Bio-luminescent lights glow on rocky surfaces every now and then, flashing by the windows. The fancy schoolboy sits at a table in the corner with his book, surveying the scene. On one of the walls is a little booth with its door open, Jenkins standing outside of it channelling a spell into the tiny chamber, and as the three adventurers approach, the JUICY wizard steps out of the booth, looking amazed and delighted. 

"Man, that was amazing!" he tells Jenkins. "I've never felt so relaxed in my whole life!"

"I'm glad you enjoyed that," says Jenkins, wearing barely a smile. "I live to serve."

"Hey man, are you alright? You seem like you're upset."

"No, it's — I don't want to talk about it."

" _Jenkins_!" Magnus happily sails into the conversation. If he notices Jenkins wincing, he makes absolutely no indication of it. "What up, dog!?"

"That's them," Jenkins mutters. Then he raises his voice and makes an obvious effort to be cheerful. "How was your nap? Is everything good?"

"I had a _good_ nappy."

"That's great to hear. Maybe you were being very fussy before, because you had —"

"I was a fussy baby, am I right, Jenkins?"

"So just a real quick — I — first of all, do you need anything? But before that, do you have maybe anything you want to tell me?"

"… Still dig the bow tie."

"Jenkins," says Taako, "I'm really sorry. About threatening Tom Bodett earlier. Is he OK? Is he doing alright, do you think?"

"Uh, are you speaking about the Ron Bodett who tried to kill himself in front of our train?"

"Hey, Jenkins?"

"Yes?"

"Great choo-choo, by the way. Quick question. You mentioned a pleasure room, and we got a little weird about it, but now that I'm more relaxed and sort of comfortable in my own sexual truth right now — I'm just trying to chase my bliss — can you tell me about the pleasure room?"

Jenkins brightens a little. "Well, you're looking at it. It's — it's not this train car. This is the pleasure chamber, it is _not_ a sex thing, although it can be. It's actually a type of magic I specialise in called a port. I can make it so that when you enter this chamber, you can be in _any_ room, anywhere in the _world_ you want to be. It's a quick getaway while we travel through this bleak mountain environment."

Magnus lays his hand on Jenkins' shoulder. "There's nowhere I'd rather be than here, my man," he says.

"So you don't want a trip in the pleasure chamber?"

"No, I do, I do."

"But — you literally just said that you'd rather not."

"How does it work?" asks Taako, examining the little booth. "Do we tell you where we want to go, or…?"

"You tell me where you want to go. There are some restrictions; it's a kind of teleportation, but you can only open up a pleasure room to a room with only one entrance and exit, and that is what you step through, through this port."

Magnus frowns. "Is it an illusion?"

"No, it is a type of teleportation, but it's a very limited type. You can't take anything from the room. If you leave something behind, it will be destroyed. So… don't do that."

"Where did Juicy go?" asks Taako.

"He went to one of our special luxury pleasure rooms. We have prefabricated ones. It replicates one of the beaches off the Sword Coast. You know the ones, where the palm trees sway… He wanted a tropical getaway, and so we hooked him up with our tropical getaway room. But you don't have to use one of our prefabricated rooms, if you can think of any room in the world that you want to be in."

"Can we say we want to go visit someone," says Magnus, "but we don't know what room they're in? Or does it have to be a specific room?"

"You have to tell me the room, unfortunately. You can't just say 'I want to be in a bank vault'. Not that it would matter, because you can't take the money anyway."

"Could you replicate our sleeping car?"

"I… guess so, that would be kind of crazy. I'm not _creating_ anything, you're actually going to these rooms."

"Alright," says Merle, "I'd like to try it out. I have a room I'd like to go to. I'd like to go to the room where my package is. I want to see my package."

"Are you talking about the cargo car?"

"Yes."

"Which is literally three steps to the left through this door? Right here? You want to use my incredible teleportation magic to go into the room that is _adjacent_ to the room we're currently in?"

"… No. When you put it that way, no."

"When I put it _any_ way, no."

"Alright, I want to go to the engineer's room. Which is behind a locked door that I can't go through."

"Unfortunately, no, I won't do that. It's security protocol for the train."

"You said _anywhere._ "

"Any room in the world, any luxurious — a day spa, a botanical garden —"

"Jenko?"

"… Yes?"

"I'm gonna take you up on that later, dog," says Magnus. "Right now, I want to get my grub on."

"OK, if you say so. But if you change your mind — can I entice either of the two of you?"

Merle thinks about it, and then shakes his head. "Nah, I don't want to waste it."

"Yeah," Taako agrees, "I don't think we've looked around here enough yet."

Magnus goes to sit next to the fancy school lad sitting in the corner with a jovial smile and a friendly manner. Taako follows suit in a much more neutral manner, and Merle walks up digging his brand new Bible out of his bag.

"You're a fancy lad," Merle says, flipping the book open. "You know, being fancy is good, but sometimes it's better to be _Pansy_ , and not just fancy. Let me read to you about Pan, what do you say?"

"Uh," says the schoolboy, looking Merle up and down with a puzzled expression. "Hello, sir. Thank you for the evangelism! But I'm affiliated already, and I appreciate it, and my Dad says that I'm not allowed to talk to people who worship pagan gods."

"Well, that's fine. But if you stay so closed-minded, you're not going to hear any new ideas, and you're not going to grow up to be a very well-rounded young man."

"OK, sir! I apologise if I was being rude before. Please tell me the good news!"

From anyone else, it would sound sarcastic. From this fancy schoolboy, it doesn't. Everything he says in his high-pitched and fascinated voice sounds like it's followed by a genuine exclamation point.

"Well," says Merle, both pleased and a little weirded out, "I'll tell you what, let me leave you with this Pan booklet, and you read it —"

"Oh, great! Reading's my favourite!"

"I _noticed_ that you were reading a book. So you read this booklet, all about Pan's tiny shoes, and it will lead you to make the right decision."

"Thank you very much! What is your name?"

"I'm Brother Leeman. Just call me Brother Leeman."

"Brother Leeman, hello! My name is Angus. I'm a little boy. I'm going to visit my grandpa in Neverwinter! Have you been to Neverwinter before?"

Magnus nudges Taako. "He's the bad guy."

"Hm?"

"That's the bad guy. He is _definitely_ the bad guy."

"Excuse me, sirs? My grandpa says it's rude to whisper, especially on a train."

"We're saying dirty words, Angus," says Magnus quickly. "Dirty words, adult words, that you can't hear."

"My grandpa says swears are not —"

"Hey, Angus, where are you from?" Taako cuts in. He's met Angus-types before, and he knows letting them steer the conversation is not usually the best of ideas.

"Me? I'm not allowed to say."

"Are you from Phandalin?" asks Magnus.

"No. Where is that?"

"Good."

"I've never even heard of Phandalin."

"And you _never will_."

"I like to read my books," says Angus, hugging his current book to his chest, "because it's like I get to go on a journey in my mind!"

"Taako," Magnus hisses, nudging his companion again, "it's _definitely him_. What little kid likes reading? It's him!"

"Sirs, what are your names?"

"I'm — Didley," Magnus remembers just in time. 

"And I'm Justin," says Taako.

"Didley and Justin. Those are two fabulous names! My name's Angus."

"What's your last name, Angus?" asks Magnus.

"McDonald."

"Angus McDonald, you say?" Merle grins. "Angus, do you like magic tricks?"

"I do! I like them very much! My grandpa said he would take me to one in Neverwinter. My grandpa told me, he said: I'm going to take you to a magic trick. It… didn't make a lot of sense —"

"Are you off-put by three grown men standing over you asking you a bunch of questions?" Magnus asks.

"No! I was _hoping_ I'd meet people and make friends on the train!"

"Even though you're not allowed to talk to 'em?" Merle whistles. "That's pretty interesting."

"Well, strangers aren't strangers anymore once you've talked to them and learnt their names!"

"Did you try out a pleasure room yet?"

"Yeah! I went to my dad's library. Did I say my dad? I meant my grandpa."

"What's your grandpa's name?" asks Magnus, who has decided to remain suspicious until proven otherwise.

"My grandpa forgot his name! He's very old."

"Wait — but you _also_ forgot it? You never knew it? _Angus_?"

Angus hesitates. "The memory of my grandpa's name died _long_ before I was born," he says. "He prefers Grandpa. I call him Grandpa. Because he's my grandpa! I love him."

Magnus nudges Taako again. "This is _definitely_ a setup. _He's the bad guy._ "

"Let me show you this magic trick," Merle offers. Magnus tries to object, and Taako nudges him back hard in the ribs.

"Just let it ride," Taako tells him with a huge smile.

"Let me show you my magic trick, alright?" says Merle, and Angus nods with wide, fascinated eyes. "It's called Zone of Truth. And when I cast Zone of Truth — well, you'll just have to see how cool it is. Ready? _Zone of Truth_."

"My brain feels like it's tingling," Angus observes thoughtfully. "I feel like I'm sneezing, but long. Like a long sneeze."

Merle nods enthusiastically. "That's the magic!" 

"Is it —? It's not a —? OK!"

"Great!"

"Hey, the tingles went away! That was a weird trick."

Merle frowns. "They — what?"

Taako leans over to whisper to Magnus. "He's evil."

"Oh, yeah. Definitely the bad guy."

"Do we kill him?"

"No, we're not going to kill a little boy!" Magnus clears his throat and raises his voice back to polite speaking level. "Alright, Angus, we're gonna go talk to Juicy Wizard now."

"OK! I had a good chat with you, and I liked —"

"OK, we're done."

"… OK, sirs. Well, thank you very much —!"

"Angus, take the hint."

"… OK, bye! Just, thanks for the… company. Bye!"

Juicy Wizard, meanwhile, is running his hands over the pleasure room door, studying it intently, like he might be able to discover all the secrets of magic if he can only understand how Jenkins runs this little teleportation trick. "Wow," he murmurs to himself, "this thing's _amazing_." He glances up to see Magnus and the others have stepped over, and beams at them. "Don't you guys love being on this train? This train's the best!"

"It's pretty dope," Magnus agrees. 

"Sorry, what are your names? I feel rude because I talked about how much I love this train before I introduced myself and before _you_ had a chance to introduce yourselves."

"Oh, uh, my name is Didley."

"Is that short for something?"

"Uh, Beau Didley."

"Wouldn't… wouldn't Beau be a much easier way to truncate that particular moniker?"

"But way less fun, am I right, my man?"

"You're _so right_."

"High five!"

"My name is Graham. It's not as fun. What are your guys' names?"

"I'm Leeman," Merle offers. "Leeman Kessler."

"Hi, Leeman."

"Hi… Graham."

"Justin," Taako introduces himself.

"I can't help but notice your garb, your robe, and your hat," Graham the Juicy Wizard says, taking in Taako's whole getup. "Are you, perhance, a wizard too?"

"Yeah, man. Don't you recognise me from TV?"

TV, of course, stands for Travelling Van, and it's the affectionate moniker for a circuit of stage wagons which take turns putting on various shows in towns and cities all over the world. For a while, Taako called this circuit home, travelling around with his own wagon and stage assistant, using magic to spice up peoples' lives. 'Taako, from TV' is a phrase currently common enough in Taako's vocabulary that he often says it without thinking, and it's just his bad luck that Graham the Juicy Wizard's eyes widen. "Oh my god. Taako? Is it really you?"

"Justin." Taako hesitates, clearly doing some very quick thinking. "… is a stage name. No, wait. Strike that. Taako — how old are you, Graham?"

"Me?"

"Yep."

"Oh, I'm, uh… me? Oh, my age? I'm thirty-six years young."

"Alright, Benjamin Button, let me lay it out for you. I'm Taako, the wizard from TV, yes. It's great to meet you too. But on the train, uh… when I'm in private life I go by my real name, Justin Leeman."

"Oh, that's not that weird to have a train name! A name that you use only on trains! Can I tell you something?"

"Please."

"Can I tell you something?"

"Yeah, go — go nuts, my man."

"Graham is _my_ train name."

"Do you have another real name?"

"Yeah. Percy."

"Good choice with Graham," Merle interjects, nodding approvingly.

"I agree," says Taako. "Graham's way better."

Graham beams at them. "It just feels like a thing you would say on a train!"

"It does, it feels like a train moniker."

"Yeah! 'All aboard, Percy', it just doesn't work, does it? Anyway. Graham's my name."

"Graham, what's your school of magic, my man?"

"I'm undeclared. Workin' on it. It's just…"

"I remember that age," Taako says wistfully. 

"I move down one ladder, and it's like, yeah, Evocation, that's pretty great, but I'd love to turn that apple into — something else! See, I lack creativity, and that hinders me a bit."

"That's a hindrance, right," Taako says, nodding along. "But you'll find it. Don't beat yourself up."

"Will I?"

"Mnmmmm…"

"He _is_ thirty-six," Magnus mutters.

"What I really want to do," Graham goes on, "is I would love to work on a train. It's been my dream my whole life, is to work on a train, be a — whatever they need me on, just to _live_ life on the _rails_. This train is amazing! They have a pleasure chamber —"

Taako grins. "Just grab a mop, my man! Grab life by the horns!"

"What, just like… start mopping?"

"Just start mopping!"

"And see what happens?"

"Sure!"

"Is that the secret? It's uncomfortable, because I just applied to be on _this_ train, and I didn't get accepted. And so I just sort of came on to shadow Jenkins, just to see what I could learn…"

"Motive," Magnus hisses across to Taako. "That's _motive_."

"You're a worse wizard than _Jenkins_ ," says Taako, who, unlike Magnus, makes absolutely no effort to keep his voice down. Then he raises his voice even further, so Jenkins, down the other end of the car, can definitely hear him. "Sorry, Jenkins! I didn't want you to have to waste a _spell slot_ to read my mind!"

Graham nods, visibly uncomfortable. "Uh, I feel like this conversation is starting to take a turn for the worse, so I'm gonna head out. Not leave, 'cause the train's going through a mountain and I would die, but… you get the picture. Great to meet you guys!"

And he walks over to the other end of the car, about eight feet away from the adventuring trio, and sits at a table by himself.

"We are really making friends on his train," Merle tells the others. "Should be a _cinch_ to solve this mystery."

That is, of course, assuming that the person who killed the original Leeman Kessler is even on the train, but for the purposes of our story, let's assume they are. If they weren't, Taako, Magnus, and Merle could simply get off the train at Neverwinter, retrieve the Grand Relic, and take it easily back to the Bureau of Balance — and absolutely nothing, in any of their lives, has _ever_ been that easy.


	5. A Most Surprising And Shocking Murder

This week someone reaches their final destination

Heaven

All aboard…  
 **… T _he Adventure Zone._**

~~~~

An hour and a half into the journey, Taako, Merle, and Magnus are served an absolutely scrumptious lunch service by a very reluctant Jenkins.

"Have you given any more thought to a pleasure chamber you might want to visit?" Jenkins asks them as he clears away their plates. "I can take you to one of my own personal favourites, I can take you to a beautiful day spa where you'll be covered in the richest yogurt and — well, you won't be massaged, because nobody else will be there, but it's a yogurt dip —"

"Jenkins?" Magnus cuts in.

"Yes?"

"Could I visit your mom's house?"

"It — if — you could visit a _room_ in my —"

" _Again_ ," Merle says pointedly. 

" — oh, I see. Is this an actual request, or just one of your patented burns?"

Magnus laughs. "Naw, Jenkins, no, we're cool."

"Jenkins, I have a request," says Taako. "Send me to your most _popular_ pleasure room."

"Oh, I can do that for you."

Jenkins takes from a pocket within his robe a small cylindrical rod, and points it at the doorframe of the shallow closet built into the wall of the dining car. He traces the outline of the frame, and opens up the door to reveal an enclosed greenhouse full of lush plants, rich clusters of berries, and explosions of beautiful flora. It is, without question, one of the most gorgeous collection of plants any of the adventurers have ever seen. Merle is moved, and he enters the greenhouse like it's a sacred religious temple; Magnus hides a demure little yawn behind one hand, because _gorgeous_ doesn't necessarily mean _exciting_.

Jenkins sees the yawn. "Is this not —? I thought that it might be —"

"No, no, sorry, it's just, it's been a long day. It's not — this is a great pleasure room," Magnus assures him.

"Are you coming with us?" Taako demands. "Or is this a solo mish?"

"Anybody can go in, if you want to —"

"I'm going."

"I'm going to stay out here and continue channelling," Jenkins explains, "because it's important that I do that, or the three of you will die."

Despite these ominous parting words, Magnus and Taako wander into the greenhouse after Merle, stuffed into the shallow closet on the moving train. It's a little disorienting at first, going from a high-speed train to a stationary room, but the room itself helps them to adjust quickly. It looks great, it smells great, and the entire atmosphere in the botanical garden is one of relaxation and peace. Behind them, they can see the dining car through the doorframe, and Jenkins holding his rod.

"Enjoy yourself," Jenkins tells them, "please don't take too long, and remember, don't leave anything behind and you cannot take anything with you."

"Except memories," says Magnus.

"Well, the memories, yes, but — nothing could destroy memories."

"And let's leave the door open, shall we?" says Merle.

"Yes. It would have to be."

Taako turns away from the plants to examine the door and the magic Jenkins has channelled into it. Just as Jenkins claimed, it's not illusion magic, but conjuration magic — actual teleportation, albeit a very limited form, as teleportation magic is traditionally very hard for wizards to use.

"And if teleportation magic is hard for _wizards_ to use, it must be _impossible_ for Jenkinses," Taako remarks out loud.

"You got me," Jenkins replies flatly. 

"This is very nice," Magnus announces as he walks around. "Very pleasant."

Jenkins smiles. "Thank you. I tend to it myself. This is a real garden in Rockport I tend to myself, to help me exorcise my demons."

"Is there a bathroom corner, or is it just ladies' choice?"

"… Come back through, and there's a bathroom on the train — great, great, great. You're ignoring me completely. How utterly unpredictable. Joke's on you, though, when you step back through the portal, your piss will disappear."

~~~~

After several minutes of the peaceful, relaxing botanical garden atmosphere, Merle, Magnus, and Taako step back through into the dining car. Jenkins retreats to do his stewardly business, and with lunch service ended, the dining car is now completely empty except for the three adventurers and Angus McDonald, seated happily in the corner with his book and watching them intently.

He closes his book and sets it down on the table. "Hello, sirs! How was your trip?"

"Don't trust him," Magnus hisses out of the corner of his mouth.

"Pretty good, Angus," Taako answers. "We had a good time. We sure missed you, though."

"I missed you too! Hey, I forgot to ask, what are you all going to Neverwinter for?"

"Business," Magnus answers, bluntly and enigmatically.

"To visit our relatives," Merle answers at nearly the exact same time.

"Oh, you also have —? I wonder if my Grandpa knows your relatives? What relatives live there?"

"Uh, the distant ones."

"Well, in terms of, like, your familial relationship, or are we talking geographical?"

"Emotional," answers Magnus.

"Here's the thing," says Merle, taking charge of the conversation before anyone can accidentally say anything incriminating. "We _call_ him our uncle, but he's really just a good friend of my dad's. So, you know, it's not really that kind of connection."

"What's his name?"

"His name is, uh, Willard."

"And what are your guys' names?"

"I'm… Leeman."

"Still Didley," Magnus says with a nod.

Angus shakes his head. "No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry — what are your guys' _real_ names?"

"Huh?"

"What?"

"What do you mean, pumpkin?" says Taako.

"Pardonez-moi?" says Magnus.

"What is — what are the real names, that aren't fake, that you guys _actually_ have?"

There's a short pause as Magnus, Taako, and Merle all look at each other, now completely off-script and taken completely by surprise by this small fancy schoolboy who isn't anywhere _near_ puberty and is currently looking at them with wide, expectant eyes.

"I don't trust him," Magnus whispers to the other two.

Merle nods in agreement. "Yeah, I _really_ don't trust him now."

Magnus leans carefully over to Taako. "Should I — you know, kill him?"

With a brief clenching of one hand, Taako casts Detect Magic. Angus's book, plain blue without any sort of cover art, lights up in Taako's vision with traces of Divination magic. 

"The book," Taako whispers back.

Magnus _immediately_ tries to snatch the book up to get a closer look at it, but Angus foils the attempt, clutching the book tightly in his arms. "Don't — don't try that again!" he says, scared and uncertain. "Just… I need to know what your guys' names are, right now —"

Magnus tries again, and this time succeeds, sliding the book up and out of Angus's arms with his superior height and strength. 

"— OK," says Angus, "that's not cool, man! I get it, I'm not as tall as you are —"

"We're just teasin' you, little fellow," Merle promises him. "Just having some good sporting with you."

"It's a great prank, and a really good goof! But I need to know what your —" Magnus tosses the book to Taako, and Angus deflates. "Oh, so we're doing this, huh?"

Merle pats him on the shoulder. "It's called Monkey in the Middle —"

"I know what it's called!"

"No," says Magnus, "it's not Monkey in the Middle, _I can't read magic_. Taako?"

"It's an interceptor book," Taako informs him, flipping through the book's pages. The book magically responds to his intent and rearranges itself to display the last magical message it intercepted, which reads:

LEEMAN KESSLER AND CO NOT WHO THEY SAY THEY ARE STOP CHARM MAGIC SPELL PERFORMED AT THE STATION STOP HAND OVER TO AUTHORITIES IMMEDIATELY UPON ARRIVAL IN NEVERWINTER STOP

"Angus, where did you get this book?" Magnus asks, after Taako reads the message out loud for them all to hear.

"That's not important! What _is_ important is that the three of you tell me _exactly_ what you're doing on this train and what your real names are!"

"How about," says Taako, " _we_ have the book, so why don't _you_ tell _us_ some stuff, and then we'll give you your book back."

"Quid pro quo, Mister Angus!" Magnus agrees. "Quid pro quo!"

"How about," says Angus, " _I'm_ a little boy who knows that you're lying, and I can yell and yell and yell, and get you in _lots_ of trouble."

"How about," says Merle, "except for me, _we're_ much bigger than you, and we can _thump your gourd_."

"OK, wait, wait, hold on." Magnus holds both hands up to get everyone to calm down. Everyone goes quiet, and everyone looks at each other, all waiting for someone else to break the standoff first.

"You know what? Here." Taako tosses Angus the book back. "You seem OK. What's the skinny, kid? My name's Taako. You probably recognise me from TV!"

Angus clutches the book to his chest and appraises the trio with a fresh eye, then nods to himself. "I can explain everything if you come with me in my sleeper car. There might be prying eyes, and listening ears."

"Yeah," says Magnus, "nothing weird about three grown men accompanying Angus to a sleeper car, let's go!"

They all retreat to Angus's bunk, which, Magnus notes sourly, is a lot nicer than theirs. Angus sits down on the bed, opens up his book, and says: "My name is Angus McDonald, that part you already know. I am, and I'm not being braggy, 'cause I — my Grandpa says not to do that, but I am the world's greatest detective."

Magnus rolls his eyes.

"OK! I mean, I _did_ detective good enough to see through your horseshit, so I can't be _too_ bad!"

"Are you saying you're a _boy detective_?" Merle asks.

"I — if you want to be reductive! I have a motto, and that's age ain't no thing! Anyway, I'm the world's greatest detective, and I'm on the trail of a serial killer, named the Rockport Slayer. I was hired on by the Rockport City Council to track down the Rockport Slayer. He's a serial killer who's been giving them no shortage of trouble."

"Mhm, mhm."

"He's been terrorising Rockport for a few months now. What he does is he targets wealthy individuals, and he murders them, and he takes their riches. But he never leaves a trace behind him, and so I'm trying to track him down! I explained that, right?"

"Makes perfect sense," Merle agrees.

"I think that _we_ are working towards a similar goal," Magnus tells him. "The three of us — we work for an organisation… well, let's leave it at that, but it's —"

"What's it called?"

"I can't tell you that."

"Good detective work requires that you obtain as much information about the case as you possibly can!"

"I'll tell him what it's called," says Taako. "It's called ⛓⛓⛓⛓

Angus tilts his head. "Is there some sort of magical charm preventing you from telling me what it actually is?"

Merle nods, impressed. "The thing that's preventing it is the ⛓⛓⛓⛓ of ⛓⛓⛓⛓ that we wear on our ⛓⛓⛓⛓

"… OK!" Angus looks at the bracers on their arms. "Oh, I see, those are some sort of communication bracers, right?"

" _Dang_ , Angus!" Magnus looks at the young boy with a newfound respect. "You are _real_ good!"

"I have reason to believe that the serial killer, the Rockport Slayer, is somewhere aboard this train. Because last night he murdered the _real_ Leeman Kessler."

"Can I ask you a question, Angus?" Taako says.

"Yes, please!"

"In the book, there was a message. Does your book tell you who a message is sent _from_ , or do you just sort of snatch it out of thin air?"

"According to this, it was sent through a magical line down the rails by a Ron Bodett!"

Merle spins and jabs a finger at Magnus. "I _knew_ it! I _knew_ we should have killed him! _Knew_ it."

"Tell me this," says Angus. "I know that you all are restricted in what you can and can't tell me through magical means, but can you tell me this: was Leeman Kessler carrying something very valuable?"

Magnus nods. "He was."

"Can you tell me anything about it?"

"No."

"Wait, let me try." Taako steps up. "It, um… it was one of the ⛓⛓⛓⛓

"No," says Angus sadly. "That's not doing it."

"Not working?"

"Well, kid, _we're_ taking a lot of things on faith here," Merle points out. _"You're_ going to have to take some things on faith too."

"Angus, here's what we _can_ tell you," Magnus adds. "This item, if it falls into the wrong hands, is _remarkably_ dangerous. It's _incredibly_ bad."

"And this item, if my suspicions are to be believed, is locked up in the safe in the cargo car. Is that correct?"

"Well, _that's_ not really that impressive, Angus, that's where we lock stuff up, you didn't really deduce the shit out of that one."

"He wasn't _showboating_ ," Taako argues. 

"Yeah," Angus agrees, "I'm just sort of… working with you now."

"Then yes, you're correct. That is correct, Angus. So the issue that we're dealing with, Angus, is that we don't know very much _about_ the item except that it's really, really dangerous."

"Have you tried explaining to the engineer, so that he can open it up, and you can secure it before —"

"Here's the problem," Taako interrupts, "what we're talking about is so, like, _big-deal,_ that… we don't know who we can trust. Listen, look at us — we're _three grown men_ trusting a _baby_ with a secret, so you know we're not professionals."

"I'm not a baby!" Angus righteously and rightfully objects. I'm a —! I'm a — how old? — ten? — did I say how old I was last time?"

"Ten," says Merle.

"Ten it is!"

"What a master of observation," Taako mutters. 

"It's this attention to detail that convinced us," Merle agrees with a chuckle that, while not _nervous_ , could be called uncertain if you were prepared for a great deal of debate.

Angus ignores both of these mutterings and carries smoothly on. "If the object of value that the three of you are trying to claim is somewhere on this train, then I have reason to believe that the Rockport Slayer is somewhere on the train too. So we need to —"

A shadow flashes past in the frosted glass of the sleeper car window, and Angus immediately goes quiet. He stares at the window for a minute, then continues in a soft whisper. "I have reason to believe that the Rockport Slayer —"

"I can't hear you!" Taako cuts him off loudly.

Angus points to the window. "Prying eyes."

"What?"

"Prying eyes!"

"Huh?"

" _Prying eyes_! There's prying eyes and prying ears!"

"Hey, shhhh!" Magnus hisses. "There's prying eyes _everywhere_ , Angus, keep your voice down."

"What are you yelling about, kid, are you crazy?" Merle adds.

Angus takes a deep breath. "I am one hundred percent sure that the three of you don't possess the competency required to perform multiple murders without getting caught by me already."

"He's a good detective," Taako tells the other two.

Magnus nods his agreement. "That's pretty good."

Merle looks at Angus. "Is that your way of saying we're off the suspect list for being serial killers?"

"For now. But I _will_ need you to help me catch, and apprehend — which also means catch — the real Rockport Slayer, who I _know_ is somewhere aboard this —"

From outside, towards the front of the train, they hear a high-pitched shriek. 

"Oh no, we need to go check that out _right now,_ " Angus says as he pulls the door open. 

"Aboard this what?" Magnus demands. "Aboard this _what_?"

"Train!"

"OK, let's go!"

~~~~

Angus stops dead near a large pool of blood on the outside of the closed door leading to the passenger car. It's impossible to see any more through the frosted glass window, but the presence of a large pool of blood has not traditionally ever heralded good things. "I don't like the look of this one bit," Angus says, eyeing the door where some of the blood has splattered up near the knob. 

"Right," says Magnus. "Well, you go first."

"OK, sounds fair!"

"That is not like you at _all_ , Magnus," says Merle, eyeing his tall friend skeptically.

Angus opens up the door to the space between train cars, and walks inside. Even from within the sleeper car, it's clear how much carnage and gore the young boy is walking into, and Magnus rushes in, followed quickly by the others.

"Look, kid," Merle says to Angus, " _you_ did the detective work. _We'll_ do the heavy lifting. Alright?"

Angus doesn't answer, and the reason he doesn't answer is the scene now stark before them.

It's a tight fit in the small space, like four people trying to fit comfortably into an elevator, with one door on either side leading into the passenger and sleeper cars. Taking pride of place slumped against a wall is a body, very clearly dead, _extremely_ dead, and the reason they can tell that it's extremely dead is that it's been beheaded. The body's wearing robes, both of its hands are missing, and it has a shimmering, rainbow bow-tie just beneath its severed neck, stained with blood.

"Oh," says Taako into the utter silence. "Oh no. Oh, if only you'd used one of your spell slots."

Angus goes over to where Graham the Juicy Wizard lies motionless in the corner and leans over him to check if he's still alive — which he definitely _is_ , with a pulse and everything. Not beheaded and not behanded. Just fainted.

"He's just fainted!" Angus announces to the others.

There's a considerable amount of blood _everywhere_ in this tiny space, covering the body of Jenkins, the floor, part of each door, and the drinks cart stowed away nearby. Notably, there is no sign anywhere of a severed head.

"Look over the body," Angus orders, "quick as you can, before anyone else gets here."

Merle nods. "That's my job, let me look at the body. I'm the medical expert."

Magnus looks quickly through Jenkins' belongings and finds that the teleportation rod is missing, as well as any other magical instrument the Rockport Limited steward might have been carrying on him. Merle, meanwhile, notices that while the beheading cut is clean and smoothly made through the neck, the cut through the hands is not. It's very rough, and not nearly as professionally executed. Jenkins' clothes are also untorn and undamaged in any way, apart from the blood staining nearly the entire robe an ugly red-brown colour. There's no sign of a struggle.

"We need to get Graham to a bed or something, as quick as we can," says Angus. He stops, and looks up. "Nobody move."

Magnus turns around. "What?"

With a flick of his wrist, Angus produces a small hand-crossbow from his sleeve, and he shoots it at the ceiling. The arrow _thunks_ , and something _g r o w l s_ , and a figure begins to take shape on the ceiling.

Four very sharp straight claws, like crab claws, clack menacingly at them, attached to a large round torso with a circular mouth on the bottom, and three rows of glowing orange teeth inside that mouth. 

Angus points at the door behind them. "I'm gonna get this guy out of here, you three, _run_!"

"No, wait, hold on," says Magnus. "We got this!"

Angus grabs Graham and, with a surprising amount of strength for a little boy, pulls him out of the chamber and into the passenger car. The crablike creature above them growls again, and the glowing orange teeth in its mouth begin to spin, making the entire mouth glow. 

"I'm going with Angus, I'll see you all in hell," Taako says quickly, and he escapes out into the passenger car. "Come _on_ , stupids!" he yells behind him when it's clear Magnus and Merle aren't immediately following him to relative safety.

"You know what, let's go, let's follow him," says Magnus. He's just instinctively reached for Railsplitter, and suddenly remembered a very important fact. "We don't have our weapons."

"We have magic," Merle points out.

"Well, _some_ of us do."

"I have magic! Taako has offensive magic! _I_ have offensive magic!"

"I'm gonna tell you a story," Taako calls out to them, "about the time that there were three ogres, right? And then one of them hit me so hard I almost _died_. You were sitting up in some sort of weird laser just shooting flasks willy-nilly, Magnus tore the arms off some robots, and _I got punched so hard I almost died_! I'm not gonna go toe-to-toe with a crab where _you're_ armed with a terrible disguise, and Magnus doesn't even have his _shield_! I'm out! I mean — did I say Magnus? I mean Leeman Kessler."

"Nope," says Magnus. "That's wrong."

"Oh, good to know."

The menacing crab-creature growls again, and Magnus and Merle both reluctantly back out into the passenger car, following Taako to relative safety.

“Shut the door!” Angus yells.

Magnus slams the door behind them the moment Merle clears the threshold, and just in time; a deafening roar echoes around the space between the train cars, and the door nearly buckles in spite of Magnus’s weight holding it closed. He can feel a burst of heat through it, warming his skin to uncomfortable levels.

"What are you doing?" shouts Angus. "I meant for you to run towards the _back_ of the train, sirs!"

"We wanted to protect you!" Magnus snaps back.

"I don't need protecting! I — you know what a great thing to do to _protect_ me would be?"

The door blasts open, sending Magnus stumbling backwards as the crab creature skitters from one ceiling to the other.

"It would have been great if you had brought it into _any other room_ , except for the room that we're in right now!"

Merle holds up his Extreme Teen Bible and casts Shield of Faith, surrounding the three adventurers with a shimmering crystal-blue magical force capable of deflecting incoming blows. The crab creature scuttles forward, rotates its body, rears back on one of its claws, and swings the rest downward in a lethal raking motion. They glance off the shield around Merle and Magnus, but catch Taako full in the chest, knocking him violently back against Magnus. On reflex, Taako brandishes the umbrella and casts Levitate; the crab loses its grip on the ceiling and floats back toward the door.

"Knock it out!" Taako shouts. "Knock it out of the train!"

Magnus steps up and Phantom Fists it out of the train through a window on his left. The glass shatters spectacularly, but the crab manages to hold on by stabbing its claws into either side of the window before the wind or the tunnel wall outside can catch it. Magnus punches it again, this time with a very dramatic and momentous leap. The crab smashes against the tunnel wall, and, with a sickening _s c r a p e_ , slides down the length of the train. Unfortunately, before anyone has a chance to react, another massive burst of flame rocket-propels it back _into_ the train about two cars down.

For several seconds, no one says anything.

"I did my part," Taako announces into the silence. "I'm just gonna chill here. You two have fun!"


	6. Lining Up Suspects, Like Ducks in a Row

Can our heroes solve the greatest mystery of all

Love

Also murder

Let's find out in…  
 **… T _he Adventure Zone._**

~~~~

"Sitting down," Taako announces, by way of introducing to the others his current state of existence, "and chilling."

His current state of existence includes being almost dead, thanks to that one lethal crab swipe, which is the only reason Magnus doesn't argue with him. 

"Don't worry," Merle says, both to reassure and to guilt-trip the elven wizard, "everything's going to be OK. Trust your party. Trust us. We're going to be _fine_ without you. Just me and my bible and no other weapons or shields whatsoever."

"Great. Can you heal me, or…?"

Merle doesn't answer, because he and Magnus have already vanished in pursuit of the fiery crab monster. Taako remains seated and chill for several further seconds, as Angus continues to drag Graham the Juicy Wizard somewhere safer up the passenger car; but Merle's guilt-trip finally works, as evidenced by Taako's pained grumbling (" _Fine_ , I'll _come_ ") as he follows his compatriots down the train, limping and bleeding through his robes and leaning on his umbrella and really deliberately making quite a pitiful spectacle of himself.

The corpse is gone. The corpse is gone because the tiny space between cars has been completely incinerated. The fire-crab removed all further evidence from the crime scene very effectively, leaving scorch marks all over the walls, floor, and ceiling — a smoky black mess. All that's left on the floor is a pile of black ash and a melted-down drinks cart.

"First Barry Bluejeans, and now Jenkins," Magnus murmurs as he and Merle make their way into the train car beyond. 

"Nooooo!" comes Taako's weak voice behind them, after he sees the state of the drinks cart.

Halfway down the sleeper car, the door at the other end is shattered by the floating, flailing fire-crab monster. It's still very much caught in Taako's Levitation spell, and the impotent flailing is more adorable than is really fair, even as the four sharp claws destroy anything they touch. Merle casts Healing Word on Taako, closing his wounds and flooding him with new energy, preparing him for what will no doubt be a tough fight ahead.

The crab stabs two of its claws into the ceiling and one claw into the walls on either side, piercing into one of the sleeping chambers. It points its mouth at the three adventurers, and once again, all its teeth begin to spin and glow, culminating in a column of flame which whips down the car from its voluminous, pulsating mouth. 

Fortunately, they now know what teeth spinning and glowing heralds, and Taako, Merle, and Magnus all deftly dodge by ducking into their personal sleeping chamber until the incinerating flame passes by in the hall outside. Heat flares; a roar deafens.

"Damn," says Merle, looking at the hallway carpet, now an incinerated chalky mass of pulp. "That was nice carpet, too. Remember how nice the carpets were?"

"Guys," says Taako, "guys. That was our first moment of competence!"

"Holy crap!"

"Nice!"

"High fives all around!"

They miss each other's hands completely.

There aren't any makeshift weapons conveniently lying about in their room, other than a teaspoon, which could imaginatively be club-shaped if you were a very small person. Taako slides his umbrella around the jamb of the door and casts Acid Arrow at the crab; a shimmering green arrow streaks through the air and hits the wall of the train, splashing acid onto the monster. It sizzles into the monster's skin and smells, oddly, delicious. It doesn't seem to do much damage beyond that though.

Magnus grabs a wooden chair from the room, runs past Taako into the hall towards the crab, and beans it over the head. The chair breaks; the crab loses its purchase on the walls and ceiling and floats gently backwards through the air in an aimless fashion, apparently dazed. 

Behind them all, the door into the passenger car opens, and an imposing, almost square figure fills the doorway; she sprints towards the crab at lightning speed, jumps off one wall and cannonball flies toward the crab, summons a massive axe out of thin air into her hands, and uses her full momentum to slam the axe down onto the floating fire crab. The crab cleaves neatly in two. Both halves float gently and now very harmlessly through the air.

Magnus raises his hand. "Yeah, I did that much damage punching it out a window, it's not that big a deal, guys, alright? We _all_ did some considerable damage."

The two composite halves of the fire crab monster turn to ash in the air.

"Hey," says Taako cheerfully to Jess the Beheader, "great timing."

"I had it," Magnus adds sulkily.

"Sorry," says Jess, her voice rough and not sounding very sorry at all. "To be fair, it looked like you guys had it handled, but I thought I could help out any way I could."

"We were in a bit of a pinch," Taako agrees with a hearty nod.

"It _was_ kind of a krusty krab," says Merle, eyeing the dust in the air.

Taako laughs. "We did a clawsome job!"

"These are all great," says Jess, grinning. 

"I'm done," says Merle. "We're done."

"Yeah," Magnus agrees. "We don't want to be shellfish."

"Come on, guys, we're crustaceaing time," says Taako.

"So hey," Magnus says to Jess," that spiritual axe thing was pretty damn sweet."

"Oh, it's not spiritual," says Jess. "It's just soul-bound to me. I can bring it to me whenever I need it."

"Can I have it?"

"Oh, no, absolutely not. Because it's not soul-bound to _you_."

"Well, could we solve that? Like a blood brother kind of thing? Like we cut our palms, shake hands, and then I can use it too?"

"Listen, as the world heavyweight champion of the WWE, I know my way around some good chair usage, and what you did with the chair was just —"

"What does that stand for again?" asks Taako.

"What? Midworld Wrestling Federation."

Magus, Merle, and Taako look at each other, bemused.

"There was a lawsuit," Jess explains, in the manner of someone very accustomed to similar questions. "It's very, very complicated. Anyway, I know good chair usage when I see it, so I do actually want you to have this axe. I just want you to know that I'm very impressed." She holds the axe's handle out towards Magnus.

" _Thank_ you," says Magnus as he takes it. Perhaps somewhat predictably, the moment Magnus takes hold of the axe, it vanishes from his hand and reappears in Jess's.

Jess bursts out laughing. "That's one of my favourites!"

"That was pretty good!" Magnus agrees, and where a lesser man might have been bitter or offended, Magnus laughs at himself as easily as Jess does. "Let me introduce myself, I'm Magnus the Hammer."

"Good job reinforcing your image as a panhandler," says Merle with a chuckle.

"Listen, you only get what you ask for in this life, Merle."

"What was it?" asks Jess, curious. "Magnus the _Hammer_?"

"Magnus the Hammer."

"… OK. Is The Hammer your last name?"

"No! Is The Beheader _your_ last name?"

"Legally, yes, I got it changed. For my brand."

"Magnus is his stage name, actually," Merle clarifies. "His real name is Didley."

"Listen, guys," says Magnus, "we just blasted a _giant crab_ , I think we're past the point of fake names."

" _I_ don't think so."

" _I_ do."

"Do you guys have any idea where that thing came from?" Jess asks, cutting smoothly into the brewing argument. 

Taako shrugs. "Beach…?"

"It was on the _ceiling_ ," Magnus reminds him. "I think it came from the ceiling."

"Let me ask you a question," Taako says to Jess. "Can we shoot straight with you?"

"Yeah."

"Why are you on the train? Do you have a weird, crazy reason for being on the train? Nobody's just, like, _on_ this train. Are you just _on_ the train?"

"I am just _on_ the train! I'm doing a hype tour for my upcoming match, my upcoming fight. I'm going to Neverwinter to do a show."

"Who are you fighting?" asks Merle, intrigued.

"Oh, I'm fighting Greg the Leg Leg-Cutter. It's supposed to be a pretty good match-up, because I swing high, he swings low…"

"His name is _Greg the Leg Leg-Cutter_?" asks Taako, completely dumbfounded.

"His name _was_ Greg the Bedwetter Lebwetter, but he realised that wasn't as good," jokes Merle, chuckling at himself again.

"Anyway," says Jess, "no, I have a _great_ reason for being on this train. Why? Do you _suspect_ me of something, huh?"

"No!" Taako assures her. "It's just, like, everyone has a crazy reason — like _we_ said we were here for, I don't even remember — it's all gone to hell, there was a crab, and then Encyclopedia Brown showed up, and he left, and then Jenkins died, and that was OK, and you have this axe that's magical, it's been a really exhausting day. I'm Justin, I _think_."

"Holy shit," says Magnus. "OK, wait. Excuse me for just one second, Jess, I need to talk to my compatriots for just a moment."

"Yeah, that's fine," Jess says with an offhand shrug. "I'm gonna go check out the scene of the crime, see if there's anything I can do to help."

"Cool, cool, yeah, do that."

Jess heads off back towards the passenger car. Magnus watches until she's gone, the door closed behind her; then he turns to the others. "You guys. Jenkins was _beheaded_. It's there in the name! She's the only one we've seen with an axe so far, and it was a clean beheading."

"That's true," Merle says, nodding. "But… how do we know for sure it was _Jenkins?_ "

"I don't think we do! Why else would you remove the head _and_ the hands? And the hands were done separately, because the cuts were not as clean."

"Hmm… so maybe whoever took the hands… didn't take the head…?"

"So the only people we've ever encountered on this train," says Magnus, ticking off on his fingers, "are Jess, Jenkins, Angus, Graham the Juicy Wizard, and the engineer."

"Who we haven't seen hide nor hair of since we left the station," Merle points out.

"So if someone killed Jenkins, or someone killed _someone_ , it's one of those five, or someone we haven't seen before. Now, it's not Angus."

"Is it me?" asks Taako.

"It might be Taako. Has anyone kept an eye on Taako the whole time?"

"No, I'm literally asking. I have spells."

"I think the thing we need to do is interrogate the only other person that was at the scene of the crime. We need to talk to Juicy Wizard."

"We do," Merle agrees. "We need to squeeze the Juicy Wizard."

" _There_ it is! That was a joke that _worked_."

"Thanks! I don't have any more of those, so let's go."

~~~~

"Alright, Juicy Wizard," Magnus calls out the moment they enter the passenger car. "Time to wake up and explain _everything_ to us. Come on. Up and at 'em."

As it turns out, Graham is awake, if not quite up and at 'em. He's lying on one of the benches, white as a sheet, a cool compress on his forehead. Magnus steps over and slaps him at roughly 5% of his usual combat strength, with his off-hand, just in case Graham's sleeping with his eyes open.

" _Ow_! What are you doing, man! I was awake!"

"No, you need to _wake up_."

" _I was awake! I was conscious!_ "

"No, I mean metaphorically. Wake up."

"To _what_? That hurt a _lot_."

"Alright, lads," Merle says quietly. "Are we giving up the secret identities?"

"Yes," says Magnus, "a thousand times, yes."

"Good. That means I could cast Zone of Truth, right?"

"Are you _interrogating_ me?" Graham asks, still extremely worked up. " _What's going on?_ "

"I'm sorry about my partner," Taako says as he steps in, "he can come on a little strong."

Magnus takes a few steps away, crosses his arms, and fumes.

"Listen," Taako continues, "help me out, this guy's a loose cannon. Give me something to work with here. What did you see? We found you with a corpse that looked kind of like Jenkins. What did you see? What happened?"

"It _was_ Jenkins. I was — I was sitting here, in the passenger car, and I decided I wanted to go and see if I could take a round on the pleasure chamber, and so I walked back, and when I opened the door to the sleeper car, I saw a… the…. I saw a corpse — I saw a body on the ground without a… a…"

He faints again. Magnus, who sees absolutely nothing faint-worthy about a headless corpse, steps back over and smacks him again, this time at roughly 6.5% of his usual combat strength. 

" _Ow!_ That smack hurt 1.5% more than the last one! What are you doing to me!?"

"You don't get out of this by _passing out_ , Juicy."

"Do you want a cup of coffee?" Merle asks Graham. "Can I get you something?"

"That would be great, except the drinks cart got obliterated, so I don't know how you're going to do that."

"When you saw the body," says Magnus, "did it have hands?"

"… no. There were no hands, it got beheaded _and_ behanded."

"And _you_ were in the passenger car?"

"I was in the passenger car, yeah, I was in here with —"

"For how long?"

"Uh, about… twenty minutes or so? I was in here with Jess, she was in here too when I walked back to go to the pleasure chamber, and… uh…"

"We heard a shriek," Magnus goes on. "Was that you, Graham?"

"I don't remember _shrieking_. I have a pretty gravelly, mature… _masculine_ voice, so I —"

"Why don't you use it?" asks Merle.

"… This is it."

"Oh. Listen, I couldn't find any coffee, but they had these little Andes mints, you know, those little chocolate mints — here, have a couple of those, and just answer the nice man honestly."

Magnus squints over at him. "Are we doing good cop, bad cop, mom cop?"

"The last time I saw Jenkins," Graham says, once he's eaten one of the proffered chocolate mints, "was just a few _minutes_ before I found him. He came up and did a drink service up here. He went to the front of the train and then brought us back drinks and then… went towards the back of the train, and I went there a few minutes later to see if he could take me to pleasure town."

"This next part's extremely important," Taako warns him.

"Go."

"When he was doing the drinks service, did you notice him setting _aside_ any drinks, or taking anyone any extra drinks they might have been putting aside for later? Is there _somewhere_ on the train we can _find some drinks_?"

Graham blinks at him. "I don't think so."

"Think about it carefully! You didn't even think! The drinks cart is gone —"

"This is really important," says Merle, "just help him out, he's got the shakes pretty bad —"

"Taako needs his medicine —" Magnus chimes in.

"— daddy needs his special magic juice," Taako finishes with a firm nod. "No, but what were we saying? Jenkins? Ah."

"Jess, can you corroborate this story?" Magnus calls out to the dwarven wrestler. "You were here the whole time, right?"

"Yeah, I was here the whole time. And he was here too, I saw him shriek and then fall down like a very small child."

"Uh-huh."

"The door shut behind him, and I — I gotta be honest, I didn't think anything of it, I just thought maybe he was having a conniption or something."

"Jess," says Taako, " _you_ didn't kill Jenkins, did you?"

"What?"

"I only ask to be thorough. You're Jess the Beheader."

"No! That's my _stage name_! That's a thing I do for work! I'm not — do you, I'm sorry, what's your job? Before I insult you, I need to know what your job is."

"Me? I'm — I'm Justin. … Taako?"

"You are _impossible_ to talk to. This is the _worst_ conversation I have ever done."

"I'm a shitty wizard! I just want to know if you killed Jenkins or not."

"Of _course_ I didn't."

"OK."

"Do you — do you _adventure_ on _your_ free time? No! I only behead people when I need to, or when I'm being paid to do it for entertainment!"

"To be fair," says Magnus, "living is the greatest adventure of all."

"Sure, I _guess_."

"Jess and Graham are each other's alibis," Magnus tells the other two. "We were with Angus. That only leaves —"

"Wait, how long was the body back there?" Merle cuts in.

"I saw Jenkins just a _few minutes_ before I found him," Graham says again. "So whenever it happened, it must have been in that period of time."

"Hey, did you get _into_ the pleasure chamber?" Taako asks Graham. "Or were you going to go get access?"

"No! When I was on my way there, I saw a _dead body_ that was _decapitated_ and had its _hands cut_ —"

"And that _wasn't_ your pleasure room?"

Graham faints again. Magnus slaps him awake again. This time, they hear something pop, and Graham wakes up screaming, so Merle casts a quick Heal Wounds to put Graham's jaw back in place.

"Come on, man!" Merle says, grabbing the front of Magnus's shirt and shaking him. "Come on, we're not getting anywhere with this approach! Hold it together!"

"I'm holding it, I'm holding it!" Magnus eyes Graham, whose cheekbones are beginning to turn worryingly purple, and clears his throat. "OK. In the passenger car, we had Jess and Graham together. In the sleeper car, we three and Angus were together. Jenkins entered the passenger car, offered drinks —"

"Uuuuh, hue wen toda fonducker car tua, tua rinh _im_ a ringh."

Everyone turns to look at Graham, whose recently reset jaw seems to be giving him a bad case of marshmallow mouth.

"He went — where?" asks Magnus.

"Hue wen toda _fonducker car_ , tua rinh _im_ a ringh!"

"He went to the conductor car… to bring him a drink. And when he came out of the conductor car, did he seem different in any way?"

"Yeah, hus head wah gone. Nah, jus' kiddin'. Hue wah fine!"

"OK," says Taako, "let's go to the conductor car. Come on."

~~~~

The high-security door into the engine car is sealed shut, with no obvious lock or any obvious means of breaking it down. Magnus considers the door for a moment, then knocks 'Shave and a Haircut' twice.

Hudson, the engineer they met when the first boarded the train back at the station, answers the knock. They hear his voice through a cone at the top of the door, through some form of megaphone system. 

~~"Hello, is everything going OK back there?"~~ he asks, his voice muffled nearly beyond recognition. ~~"We're having a pretty smooth trip, we should be there in an about an hour or so."~~

"Great," says Magnus. "Jenkins is dead."

~~"Je… Jenkins is — _dead_?"~~

"Yeah."

"He was the one with the bow-tie," Taako explains further. "Don't feel bad, I forgot too."

~~"Jenkins was a dedicated employee of the Rockport Limited!"~~

"Now he's just a dead employee," Magnus and Taako answer simultaneously. (They share a brief high-five. Death is death, but good puns can be hard to come by.)

~~"… You're doing _goofs_ about this? It doesn't seem like the right time or place for that."~~

"Listen," says Magnus, "we just need to know, is there anyone else on the train?"

" ~~No, I, I… I can show you the manifest, but I don't think I should come out of here, especially _now_. I — I can't open up the engine car to — to whoever did this heinous crime!"~~

"So it was just you, Angus, Jess, Graham, the three of us, and Jenkins?"

~~"Yeah, that's it, that's everybody on the manifest."~~

"John Boy?" Merle asks. "Elizabeth? Jim Bob?"

~~"I don't know what you're talking about — none of those — no, it's just us, just the people that you named."~~

"Listen," says Magnus. "We need access to the caboose. We have to get to our secure item."

~~"You can go in the caboose whenever you want, you just can't get in the safe."~~

"We need our weapons as well," says Merle.

~~"I can't do that! I have no guarantee that it's not the three of _you_ who killed our poor Jenkins!"~~

Magnus shakes his head. "We promise, it wasn't."

~~"How was Jenkins killed? Tell me, I need to know."~~

"Beheaded," says Magnus.

"And then behanded," Taako adds.

"And then burned up," Merle finishes.

~~"It seems to me like the person on the train who goes by the name _the beheader_ might know something about that!"~~

"No, we asked."

~~"And — what? She just said 'no, it wasn't me', and you all were like, cool?"~~

"I mean… yeah."

"She has a corroborating witness for her alibi," Merle explains further. "Why don't you open this door, and we can —"

~~"I'm not opening this door. We can talk about this when we get to Neverwinter, when the _authorities_ can get involved."~~

"Nuh-uh," says Magnus. "Here's what we're going to do. You keep this door secure."

~~"Deal. I like that part of it, so far. So far it's going very good."~~

"The six of us are going to move from here to the caboose."

~~"OK."~~

"We're going to search every car 'till we _get_ to the caboose."

~~"OK."~~

"And if we get to the back, and there's anything wrong —"

"— we're jumping off," Merle decides.

"— no. We're going to need access to our secure item. It _cannot_ fall into the wrong hands."

~~"The CryptSafe takes an _hour_ of _sustained contact_ from me, the engineer of this train, to open. So by the time I get it open for you, we'll be in Neverwinter, and the authorities can handle this themselves!"~~

"Sounds great, but we need our weapons _now_."

~~"I can't do that, I'm sorry."~~

" _Can't_ you? Or _won't_ you?"

~~"In order to get you your weapons, I'll have to leave this car, and that's not happening."~~

"Don't you want to be a _can_ ductor?"

~~"Well, first of all, I'm an engineer. But you know what I want to be, more than anything? Just a guy, with a head."~~

"Well, we _all_ want to be _that_."

"Wouldn't you like to be a _friend_ gineer?" asks Merle.

~~"OK, I'm gonna go ahead and shut off this channel."~~

Magnus nods. "Sounds about right."

~~"Let me know if you figure out who did this murder, and hopefully —"~~

"Can I say something?" Taako interrupts. "Yeah, you, uh, you didn't take _my_ weapon. See this?"

~~"… I can't see that."~~

"Open the window that may or may not exist. I have a weapon, right here —"

~~"I'm starting to feel a little threatened, so I'm gonna go ahead and go —"~~

"You can't —! If you go, I'll fuck your train up real bad! It's gonna be brutal in here!" Taako flourishes the umbrella, and the nasty smell of horseshit begins to permeate the train car, filling every nook and cranny. 

~~"I guarantee you,"~~ the engineer says, exasperated, ~~"it doesn't smell any worse than my own hand."~~

"That's just a sneak preview, baby! There's lots more where that came from!"

~~"So you're telling me you're going to stink up this whole train? All of it?"~~

"I'm gonna _burn it down_!"

~~"OK. Have fun."~~

There's a _click_ , and a **w h i r** , and the megaphone system cuts off.

"He called my bluff," says Taako sadly.

"Good one, though," Merle reassures him. "Good try. So we have no access to the little pleasure closet without Jenkins, right?"

"Oh, wait," says Magnus, his eyes going wide. " _Wait_. Wait, classic detective shit. If his rod is missing, right, whoever _killed_ him took it. So we could get everybody in the room to turn out their pockets."

~~~~

When they get back to the passenger car, Graham is still lying prone, Jess is looking out the window seemingly unconcerned, and Angus is still investigating the bloody crime scene in the space between train cars. "Alright," Magnus announces to them all. "Turn out your pockets."

Jess looks over at him. "Uh, no."

Graham and Angus do as Magnus asks without complaint. Graham has some Andes mints stashed away in his Juicy Wizard robe, his own magic wand, and a spellbook. Angus has his hand crossbow, his Interceptor book, and a little detective's toolkit with a small mirror stick, notebook, magnifying glass, dusting kit, and grappling hook.

"So basically," says Merle, eyeing the contents of Angus's pockets, "the whole 'turn over all your weapons' thing only applied to _us_."

"It's a very well-concealed crossbow!" says Angus.

"Hey, listen," says Taako, "I don't know why I didn't think of this before. Let's talk to Angus for a second. Hey, Angus."

"Hey! What's up?"

"You're supposed to be like a great detective, I don't know why you're letting the babysitters' club here, the three of us, try to piece together —"

"I've actually been watching you. You've been doing a surprisingly good job! I've already figured it out, of course."

"Yeah, well, why don't you give us a hint? A little hintaroo?"

"… Isn't it more fun if you try and figure it out for yourself?"

"No."

"No."

" _No_."

Angus deflates. "I was just kidding, I haven't really figured it out yet. Listen — I'm a ten-year-old boy!"

"You're a ten-year-old _douche_ ," Merle grumbles.

"Are you the world's greatest detective… in comparison to your age?" asks Magnus. "Is it a sliding scale thing?"

"I'm the best detective in the world, I'm very young, and I'm very, um… I'm very self-conscious about my age, so I guess — I guess I put on a front, I'm glad I have somebody to talk to about this, I'm going through a lot of changes right —"

"Jess?" Magnus cuts him off. "Turn out your pockets."

"Uh, no, I'm good. I'm alright. Thank you."

"… OK."

"Why don't you turn out _your_ pockets!"

"OK. Look, I've got my grandmother's knife —"

"Oh, a _knife_? You could probably use a _knife_ to cut off a person's head, huh, don't you _think_?"

Magnus stares at her. "It's like a two-inch blade!"

"Yeah, I mean, it would take a while, but — how can _you_ prove that _you_ didn't cut this guy's head off with your grandmother's knife!?"

The three adventurers appraise Jess. She doesn't have any blood on her — a little bit of fiery crab ash from when she killed the fire crab monster, but that's it — no blood, no signs of any struggle. Even so, her refusal to cooperate and her wild accusation paint her in a _very_ suspicious light.

"Alright, I guess we're going to have to frisk her," Merle decides.

" _OK_ , that sounds like it's going to be a _lot_ of fun," Jess says, "that's going to be a _ton_ of fun for all four of us, _definitely_. You guys like gambling?"

"Sure, yeah," says Taako.

"Let's place bets on _how far I can throw each of you._ "

"Now, wait a minute —" Taako flicks his umbrella to cast a quick Detect Magic spell, which he probably should have done in the first place, since the rod Jenkins used to create the pleasure chamber would most definitely show up with a magical aura if it's anywhere in the passenger car. The interceptor book lights up again; so does Graham's magic wand. There's a faint, very slight trace of magic on Jess's axe. But there's no sign of anything magical and hidden. 

"OK, guys, she doesn't have anything," Taako informs the other two. "She's clean. So yeah, the room is clean, the rod isn't in here."

"Let's move to the sleeper car," says Magnus. "And we'll do a buddy system. My buddy will be Jess."

"I'm not coming," Jess says, with that air of finality you don't ever argue with when it's coming from a professional wrestler.

"You are," Magnus argues, because while he's blessed of muscle, he and common sense aren't always on speaking terms.

"No, I'm gonna stay here, and then if I see _anybody_ even _remotely_ threatening, I'm gonna cut 'em in half. Let's split up our jobs — you guys can do your Encyclopedia Brown shit, and I'm gonna stay up here, and I'm gonna cut anybody in half who steps."

Magnus nods. After Jess turns away, he says quietly: "Oh hey, Merle, leave your scuttlebug here."

"Oh, good idea." 

Merle winds up his little spying Scuttlebuddy and it jumps out of his hand into the air, buzzing happily around his head. A tiny little round nodule pops out of its butt, which it offers to him with an affectionate little nuzzle. _ZZZz, zzzzzz!_

"God," says Merle, "this is the cutest thing ever." He picks up the nodule, and Scuttlebuddy points a tiny pincer at the side of its own head. _ZzzzZZZ! Zz!_ Merle takes the hint and puts the nodule into his ear. Through it, he can hear the ambient noise in the passenger car, as the sounds are amplified into his ear with a little bit of echo and static feedback. Scuttlebuddy proceeds to discreetly sequester itself on the ceiling beside one of the light fixtures.

"OK, Jess," Magnus says, turning back around, "remember, if anything happens —"

"Yeah. You guys got it."

_Zzz zzzzz z_! Scuttlebuddy buzzes softly into Merle's ear.

"I love you too, Scuttlebuddy," Merle whispers.

_zzzz!_


	7. The Parlour Scene

Put on your thinking caps gumshoes

It's time to solve a murder in…  
 **… T _he Adventure Zone._**

~~~~

Angus, Merle, Taako, and Magnus peer around the edge of the doorway window into the cargo car together. Angus has his hand crossbow out, ready for anything, so long as it succumbs fairly easily to small crossbow bolts. 

"Now listen," Angus whispers to the others. "If we find the culprit in this room, you have to promise me that you'll help me  _ apprehend _ him. Don't  _ kill _ him. Or her. Whoever it is."

The others look skeptically at one another. 

"That's a  _ big _ ask," Magnus says. 

"Yeah, we  _ really _ want to kill him," Merle adds, nodding. "We only know two things: jumping away from fire, and killing, they're the only two things we're  _ really _ good at."

"Weeeeell," says Taako, "you two don't have your weapons, though. So if it comes down to fisticuffs… don't beat a man to death with your bare hands, I guess?"

"I've found that not killing is pretty easy," Angus tells them. "I've gone  _ long _ periods of time without killing anybody!"

Magnus laughs. "Keeping the demons at bay!"

"Listen," says Taako, "we all have droughts, kid, don't feel bad."

"OK," Angus replies. He pauses awkwardly for a moment, then decides he doesn't really want to continue the conversation anymore. "Breaching in three… two… one…"

"Wait, wait!" Magnus interrupts.

"Yeah?"

"Angus."

"… Yeah?"

"Check your book."

"… OK." Angus pulls out his interceptor book and cracks it open. "What am I looking for here?"

"Is there anything new since just before we heard the scream that alerted us to the Jenkins murder, or anything after? Any information we should have before we move forward?"

"This is not a  _ great _ time for it, we're about to do some action-packed SWAT shit, but…" Angus flips quickly through the pages. "No, I don't see any messages in here."

"OK."

"Can I breach? Can I breach, please? Are you all trained for SWAT hand signals?"

"No."

"OK. Three two one  _ breach _ !"

The four of them breach, throwing the door open, moving into the room like a well-trained group of dramatic professionals, only to discover that there is no one in the cargo car to be suitably impressed by their dramatic professionalism. The CryptSafe sits alone and undisturbed in the middle of the floor, and it's the only thing any of them can see in the darkened car. Apart from a brief moment of nausea settling in the pits of their stomachs, there's nothing odd in here at all.

Merle puts his hand to his ear. Up until crossing the threshold, Scuttlebuddy had been feeding him the ambient noises of a forced conversation between Jess and Graham at the front of the train. Now, Merle can't hear anything, like he's lost reception. He's worried about that, if he's being honest with himself.

Taako heads straight for the CryptSafe and starts examining it. No sign of forced entry, or indeed, any entry at all. The safe is intact, hasn't been breached or assaulted, and it's still locked up tight.

"This is interesting," he muses aloud. "You know, this counters what I was thinking. Because Jenkins' hands were missing, right? And I was thinking that… the rule of the safe is you have to have an employee of the Rockport Express — they have to have their hands on the safe for an hour. And his hands were missing. So what I thought was maybe someone had taken his hands so they could put them on the safe. But… there are no hands on the safe."

Angus looks up from his own investigation, where he's dusting for prints. "Yes! I had the same suspicion a while ago! Like, basically from the start, I had that suspicion. The only issue is that it's not just  _ any _ employee, it has to be the  _ engineer _ of the train, and he's locked away in the engine car."

"How do you open the engine car?" asks Magnus.

"You don't. The engineer's the only one that can get in there."

"Unless you have the wand," Magnus points out.

Taako looks sharply at Magnus. " _ Unless you have the wand.  _ Jenkins' wand, right? Jenkins' wand would let you go into  _ any _ area."

"You're throwing a lot of spaghetti at the wall," says Angus — who, in spite of his words, looks both proud and impressed.

"Oh,  _ sorry _ , we're just trying to  _ piece this out _ , right?"

"I noticed something very suspicious about  _ this _ room," Angus explains. "And I'm wondering if you can help me confirm my suspicion — can one of you try to open the rear door? The caboose door? Please?"

Taako steps over and pulls on the handle of the rear door. It doesn't open. He peers closer — it seems like the edges of the door have been somehow fused right into the frame. Magnus steps up and punches it, just to see what happens, but his fist doesn't even make a sound against the fused, sturdy iron.

"Really wanted to punch a door, huh?" Taako says as he casts Detect Magic with a quick flourish of his umbrella. The next second, he steps back with a yelp; instead of discrete colourful auras to indicate magical items, his  _ entire vision _ has gone blinding white. "Bad news, compadres," he tells the others, "this place is magic as  _ hell _ ."

Merle casts Locate Object, looking for Jenkins' teleportation rod. He doesn't pick up any  _ trace _ of it, which, as he explains to the others, usually means that it's not currently within a thousand feet of where they're standing. And why would someone steal the rod, only to toss it out a window?

"OK," Magnus announces, "I have a theory. I don't think we're on the train at all. I think we've been transported to a fake location that is not the actual CryptSafe on the train."

Angus nods slowly. "If that's correct, then this is a very unsafe room for us to be in, and I recommend that we move back to the dining car."

"I agree," says Magnus. "Let's do that."

"So, Taako," Merle pipes up, "usually when we retreat, you're the one leading the charge."

"I'm out!" Taako answers loudly from inside the dining car. "Peace and carrots, you guys, I'm already out! Look at me, back in the dining car. I'm gone. I'm gonzo."

~~~~

Everyone gathers in the dining car at Angus's request, Jess and Graham included. 

"It's time to fucking crack this thing  _ wide _ open," Angus announces, rubbing his small hands together. "Do you guys want to take a stab at this first? I've done this a lot, and it's really exhilarating, and I'd love for one of you to share this parlour scene experience, if, uh… if we have any takers."

"OK, so lemme think," Magnus answers. 

"I mean, I've already gotten everyone sort of horny for the solution —"

"Well, yes. Thank you."

"Back off, people, that's the secret," says Taako. "Back off."

Merle clears his throat. "So obviously someone's used the transportation closet to take the magic wand somewhere, because —"

"No, no, no," Magnus argues. "Somebody's used the wand  _ on that door _ to the cargo car, so that we can't access the actual room where the CryptSafe is, because they  _ are _ using Jenkins' hands on the  _ actual _ safe."

Angus beams at him. "That's exactly right! It would confirm my suspicion if — watch  _ this _ ."

The boy detective walks back into the cargo car, picks up a tiny ticket stub lying on the floor, crumples it into a ball, and throws it back into the dining car. It hits an invisible barrier at the doorframe and falls to the ground.

"You can't take an item from one of those pleasure rooms  _ out _ of the pleasure room," Angus explains as he joins them back at the dining tables. "So that room is almost  _ certainly _ a fake. Good detective work, uh… whatever-your-name-is!"

"It's — it's Magnus, but that's not important right now."

"Good, then let's move on. Let's talk about the murder itself. I want to hear what you guys think about the  _ method _ of the murder. What was the cause of death for Jenkins?"

"Um. Beheading?"

"Behanding?" Taako offers.

"Beburning?" guesses Merle.

"Yeah — no, I mean — that one's pretty obvious, if you guys are having trouble. A thing can't live without a head! You guys are, like, keyed into that, right?"

"Listen," says Magnus, "we didn't get CSI out on it, we weren't able to check lividity and time of death and shit. We saw that he didn't have a head and there was blood everywhere, that's the best we can do!"

"Did you notice anything else strange about the scene of the crime?"

" _ Yes. _ His hands were cut off, and it was two different cuts."

"Yes! Exactly! What could possibly — let's identify, first of all, what could have possibly caused the killing blow —"

"It was Jess's beheading axe."

"Well…"

"No? Wrong answer? Then it was the  _ crab thing _ ."

"It was a totally clean cut! Which would —"

"Is it possible," Merle cuts in, "that using that transportation magic rod, the body was transported differently from the head?"

Angus nods enthusiastically. "I think you're close! It couldn't have been the axe, because the axe is soul-bound to Jess, and Jess has an alibi, because she was in the room with Graham! Also, a weapon of that size would have made a tremendous noise, and it would have alerted everyone on the train that a murder was taking place."

"If the head was in the pleasure room," Magnus says thoughtfully, "and then the magic was shut off, would that have done it?"

"I think that's  _ exactly it _ . And we have a clue that can confirm that! Remember when we first came to the scene of the crime? There was blood on the  _ outside _ of the door as well, which makes me think that they turned on a port at that door, shoved poor Jenkins' head through, and then turned off the port. And because the door would have still been open, that would explain the blood."

Magnus's eyes widen. " _ That's _ why we can't find the head."

"That's why we can't find the head! There was no sign of a struggle, or  _ sound _ of a struggle, which makes it simple to deduce that the victim was asleep when they were killed. But why — why the hands? That's the problem I keep coming back to."

"The hands were for the safe," Magnus says, frowning.

"I think that's entirely possible, although, again, Jenkins' hands wouldn't open the safe."

Merle snaps his fingers. "It wasn't Jenkins' hands."

"What are you saying?"

Taako stands up very abruptly. "Ooooh my  _ god _ ."

"It was the engineer!" says Merle. 

" _ Jenkins _ is the  _ assassin _ !" Magnus finishes triumphantly.

" _ Jenkins _ killed the  _ engineer _ ," says Taako. "Listen, I have a moment of lucidity, and I don't want to waste it.  _ Jenkins _ killed the  _ engineer _ , took the head so the body couldn't be identified, switched clothes with him, and then opened the pleasure chamber into the engineer's room so he could get in there! Right? That's how he got in the engineer's room, with his wand, with his magical closet."

"And then burned up the body," says Merle.

"— and then burned up the body —"

"To prevent  _ further investigation _ ."

"— to prevent further investigation!"

"I think you're close!" says Angus excitedly. "I think that he definitely destroyed the body with the fiery crab, to keep  _ us _ from figuring out that it wasn't Jenkins. I think a much simpler solution —"

"By the way," says Taako, " _ classic _ Jenkins, to use a crab instead of a spell slot."

"Oh yeah," Magnus agrees immediately. " _ Classic _ Jenkins."

"Just burn  _ one _ spell slot, Jenkins!"

"If we're a hundred percent accurate on this," Angus continues, "I think we need to be a lot more respectful of Jenkins' magical potency."

"I would  _ sooner die _ ," Taako assures him firmly.

"I think a much easier method for him to access the engine car is when he took the drink service in there."

"Oooooh," all three adventurers say simultaneously.

"I like my idea better, but that's fine," Taako decides.

"I'm glad you're finally contributing, Angus," Merle says, clapping the young boy on the shoulder. 

"But he's still in there," says Magnus. "Because when we talked to the engineer, the engineer answered."

Angus nods. "The engineer answered through the audio device above the door, which — it could have been a spell, it could have been Ghost Sound — it could be any number of things!"

"Cool, so — where is Jenkins  _ now _ ?"

"That's a very curious, curious question. Remember when we were talking in my sleeper car? And I revealed my true identity, and you guys revealed your true identities?"

"Yeah, and we all grew closer as friends."

"What are you  _ talking _ about?" Jess finally snaps. 

Angus looks at her. "Oh, I'm the world's greatest detective. Anyway! You remember, before the murder, before  _ any _ of this even  _ happened _ , we were interrupted by the sound of somebody moving past the sleeper car towards the back of the train? If Jess and Graham were in the  _ front _ of the train, and the engineer was already dead —"

"Call him Friendgineer," Magnus corrects Angus.

"He… he had a name. His name was Hudson. So who was that moving towards the  _ back _ of the train? And where are they?"

"Was it Jenkins?"

"I mean — yes."

"So Jenkins is in the  _ actual _ cargo car…"

"Jenkins is with the  _ real _ CryptSafe," says Taako.

Magnus points at Jess. "Summon that soul-bound axe, we're gonna hack ourselves a way through a wall."

"I, uh…" Jess looks skeptical. "I'm not gonna break my axe trying to  _ chop _ through a  _ train _ ."

"It's a soul-bound, magical axe, you coward!"

"Yeah, but soul-bound shit can  _ break _ , and then I'll have this shitty, broken axe soul-bound to me. And the  _ de _ -soul-binding procedure is really painful. So I'm not gonna go through that."

"What I'm finding curious," says Angus, "is why didn't he just kill the engineer in the engine car, cut off his hands in the engine car, and take his hands to the CryptSafe?"

"Because he had to alleviate suspicion from Jenkins," says Magnus.

"I think that's right, he had to… whenever this job is done, he doesn't want anybody looking for him. And it's a lot easier to escape and start a new life as a  _ corpse _ than as a criminal."

"Well, it's hard to start a new life as a corpse," Magnus objects. "Because you're dead. You can't get around, you can't eat, you can't make friends…"

"I have a theory for how the corpse found its way into the space between cars," Angus continues smoothly. 

"Somebody probably helped it. Because it's a corpse. Like I was just saying, when you're a corpse, you can't…"

"Ignore him," says Merle. "Let's hear your theory, little man."

Angus grins. "Does anybody else want to take a stab at it?"

"Sure, 'cause we've had such a great hit rate  _ so _ far," says Taako. "Maybe the weird crab carried it? On its back?"

"No, it was in the drinks cart," Magnus says.

Angus points at Magnus. "Drinks cart! Eureka!"

"Oh, shut up. You already  _ knew _ that answer, Angus, I don't need your pity."

"No! I'm just — I'm very proud of the three of you! You've been much more competent than anybody on Earth would have ever thought."

"You just need to get to know us," says Merle.

Taako nods. "Yeah. We blew up a whole city once."

Angus steps closer and drops his voice to a whisper. "What I don't understand," he says, "is if Jenkins was also the killer of Leeman Kessler, how does he know about this item that I can't hear and apparently no one seems to know about except the three of you?"

Magnus looks at the other two. "Is he a member of the Bureau of Balance?"

"Is he a — you just staticked out," says Angus sadly.

"Yeah, that's not for you."

"OK."

"Is he?"

Taako ponders the question. "Could we — could we use the bracer?"

"Oh, yeah! You know who  _ we _ need? We need  _ Killian. _ " Magnus pushes on his bracer, and, because they're on a train deep underground, absolutely nothing happens. "She can find us," he says confidently. "I'm sure she's got access to all kinds of magic."

"He's got to be a member of the Bureau, right?" says Taako. "It's the only thing that makes sense."

"The really tricky part," Angus interrupts, "is how we're going to be able to get to Jenkins  _ before _ we arrive in Neverwinter." He points at Graham. "Graham, how long do we have until we arrive?"

Graham pulls a stopwatch out from a pocket in his Juicy robe. "Uh, about twenty-five minutes!"

"See?" says Angus. "We don't have very long."

"No," answers Magnus, "about twenty-five minutes, yeah, we  _ just  _ heard him."

Merle casts Locate Object on the teleportation rod again. This time, he's able to sense it in the cargo car down the end of the train, confirming Angus's theory in one very simple and very easy step, as well as robbing himself of the ability to heal anyone for the entire rest of the day.

"I have a question for boy detective," Magnus announces to the room at large.

"Yeah, shoot!"

"So the rule where you can't bring items back from the pleasure chamber."

"Yeah?"

"What happens if we successfully bring an item back?"

"You can't."

"Would it disrupt the magic?"

"It wouldn't do  _ anything _ to the magic. It just wouldn't go through."

"How do we disrupt the magic, then?"

"Either by stopping the caster from channelling the spell, or destroying the item that's channelling the spell."

"But we've got to  _ get _ to him first."

"Wait, wait, wait," says Taako. "Are there  _ windows _ on the cargo car?"

"There are no windows. There's only the caboose door."

"Son of a bitch."

"Is the wall punchable?" asks Magnus.

"Are there windows on the car  _ next _ to it?" asks Taako.

"Hang on, you were saying there's a door at the back of the cargo car," says Magnus. "The caboose door. And in the  _ fake _ train, it's fused shut."

"Right!" says Angus. "I suspect that's because pleasure chambers can only have one entrance."

"So if we were able to get around to that door, from the outside of the car…"

Taako eyes Magnus appraisingly. "How sturdy are the walls of the train?"

"It's a train," Angus answers. "So… pretty sturdy!"

"Fairly sturdy, right?"

"I would say, in terms of sturdiness, they're about train-level. Which is to say,  _ pretty sturdy _ ."

"Let me put forth a theory I'm thinking about," says Taako. "What if I were to cast Levitate on Magnus, put him out a window, and he goes and knocks out the side of the cargo car?"

Magnus gasps. "Or the back  _ door _ ."

"Or go through the back of the caboose, sure. Either way, if I levitate him, and put him out the train, then he could get around the back and look for another way in."

"And then he'd have to take down Jenkins on his own?" Angus looks worried. "That's pretty dangerous."

"Well, no. All he has to do is distract Jenkins long enough to bring down the port. As soon as he brings the port down, we can go in and take Jenkins to Brown Town! And the best news is, there's no way he's going to use any  _ spells _ on us, you know how finicky he is about conserving his slots."

Angus grimaces. "Again, I have to stress this, I think his incompetence may have been a ruse, and if you try to step to him, you may get… got."

"Hey, Angus, you're the world's smartest kid. Have you ever heard of a man named Magic Brian?"

"I can't — you just staticked out for me."

" _ Exactly. _ "

"Let me make one addendum to your plan here, Taako," Magnus says as he examines one of the dining car windows. "Cast Levitate specifically on my magic jumping boots. So that way I'm not, like, at the mercy of gravity and wind."

"Oooh!" Taako grins. "I  _ love _ it! It's  _ delectable _ ! Let's do it!"

"Magnus is  _ so on board _ with this plan," Magnus says with a vicious grin of his own.

~~~~

Graham unfurls a map of the train route onto the dining table they're all seated around, doing his best impression of a dramatic flourish. Objectively, it's not a half-bad dramatic flourish.

"There's a brief gap between the Teeth," he tells the group, pointing the area out on the map. "It's a suspended rail line over a lush basin, called Letterman's Basin. At the speed the train's moving now, you'll have about ninety seconds exposed where we won't be inside the mountain, and that's going to be your best opportunity to get around."

"OK," Magnus says with a serious nod.

"You'll have to move around two cars if you want to pull this off: the dining car, and the cargo car. Are you sure you want to go solo on this journey?"

"Yeah."

"By any chance," says Merle, "are you a Chinese acrobat?"

"Let me check real quick — uh, nope. Alright, I'm ready to go!"

Graham hands Magnus a small bean. "When I heard you talking about your plan," he says, "I thought that maybe I could help out by alchemising this delicious bean for you. If you pop this into your mouth, you'll become extremely heavy. So don't use it if you're on the side of the train, but if it looks like something bad's about to happen and you're going to go flying off the train, you might be able to drop yourself back on to it."

"Funky little bean! OK."

Graham pushes open the dining car window right next to them. It's pitch-black outside as the train barrels through the mountain, and the noise of the rail beneath them and the air rushing past is near deafening. 

"We'll be outside the mountain in ten seconds," Graham announces. "Do you have anything you want to say to your teammates? Any last words?"

"Don't touch my stuff."

"Don't worry, man, wouldn't want to." Taako casts Levitate on Magnus's magic jumping boots. 

Staying upright with just the boots levitating turns out to be harder than Magnus anticipated, and it takes him precious seconds to grow accustomed to the feeling, with his arms pinwheeling wildly in the air. Blinding light floods the train as it leaves the mountain, and out the window they can see a curved rickety rail bridge carrying the train along towards the next tunnel. 150 feet below is a lush, forested area that makes for a wonderful view, but would probably kill someone falling into it from 150 feet up.

"Go!" Graham yells.

Magnus swings himself out the window.

He has hold of a rope, with one end tied securely to the dining table inside the car. In what absolutely must be the world's most daredevil version of rappelling sideways along a moving train, Magnus makes his quick and competent way along to the smooth cargo car. He nearly loses balance on his floating boots twice, and nearly loses the rope once. In spite of the high risk, though, he  _ makes _ it, in one piece, down to the very end of the train where a tiny platform sits outside the caboose door. 

Standing on the platform is a giant brute of a monster. It's skinless, made of meat, and has a very small left hand that smells both very stinky and very familiar.

"Is that the  _ engineer _ ?" Magnus asks out loud in horror.

The monster rears back and punches Magnus in the sternum. Like Magnus is on a tire swing, his boots and the momentum take him away from the train, and it's only through sheer force of will he manages to hang on to the rope for dear life. 

They're about a third of the way through the basin, he sees from his new vantage point above the train's roof. It's not very likely he'd be able to clamber his way back up the rope  _ and _ make it to the cargo car again before the train disappears into the next tunnel, so Magnus makes an executive decision. 

He waits until the train enters the tunnel.

He waits until the rope begins to compress against the train, held in place by the tunnel wall.

At the very last possible second, he eats Graham's bean.

Turned into a wrecking ball, Magnus swings around the back of the train and smashes into the monster, taking them both through the back wall of the cargo car, right as the train once again vanishes into tight, cramped darkness.

He and the monster go sprawling unceremoniously on top of Jenkins, who'd been bent over sorting through items pulled out of the open CryptSafe while holding a shitty metallic compass over them like some sort of divining rod. Another giant meat monster, with another very small hand, has that hand planted on top of the open CryptSafe. Railsplitter sits on the ground behind Jenkins, close to the dining car door, and the entire rest of the group is visible through the open doorway, waiting anxiously for Magnus to bring down the port.

Luckily, the teleportation rod flies out of Jenkins' grip with the impact of both monster and Magnus, and it rolls to a stop somewhere near the safe. The port vanishes. The mission accomplishes.

"What the  _ fuck _ ," says Jenkins, with feeling.

Magnus spits the bean out into his hand, positions himself against the wall, and leaps clear across the room like a missile. Jenkins stares openly at him as he sails effortlessly over the meat monsters, flipping everyone the bird. He lands near his precious axe and moves to snatch it up while Taako and Merle both run into the room to join him, and Jenkins recovers enough to struggle to his feet.

The first meat monster trudges over and brings one large meaty fist down onto Magnus's head, nearly knocking him out, while the  _ other _ meat monster over by the safe joins the fray and swings one large meaty fist against Magnus's side. Everyone hears at least one rib break. It's all Magnus can do just to keep his feet and back away. 

Merle moves in, bible in hand, and casts Sacred Flame against the first meat monster. Radiant light fills the space between them and blasts the undead monster into tiny little pieces.

"How could you have  _ possibly _ seen through my perfect crime?" Jenkins demands, gripping his compass angrily in his fist.

Magnus, breathing carefully and seeing stars, looks at him. "Because you're not a very good wizard."

"I'm — ! I'm the best wizard —"

"You're a wiener."

"… what?"

"You're a  _ wiener _ , Jenkins."

"I hate you all so much."

"I'm gonna call you Wankins from now on."

"My name is  _ not Wankins _ ."

"Dinkins!" Merle volunteers. "How 'bout Dinkins?"

Magnus laughs, only slightly undercut by a pained gurgle. "Dinkins is pretty good! What about Jerkins?"

"Jerkins!"

"More like  _ Junkins _ , am I right?"

Jenkins gives them all a very flat stare. "I'm going to kill everyone on this train. Then I'm going to bring you all back to life again, and then I'm going to  _ kill _ you again."

"That  _ would _ take another spell slot," Merle reminds Jenkins. "You sure you wanna do that?"

With everyone distracted, including the last meat monster, Magnus reaches Railsplitter and picks it up, wincing with the way the weight puts pressure on his ribs. Then he pops the bean back into his mouth and swings his axe two-handed right at the monster's head, cutting out a good chunk of meat to land with an ugly  _ splat _ on the floor. The monster tries to retaliate as Magnus backs away, but its wild swing misses, and Magnus manages to ignore his pain and balance himself by leaning on Railsplitter's handle.

Taako follows up on the meat monster with a Ray of Frost. The monster reels back, its big meaty fist encased in damaging ice, very definitely about to keel over. Jenkins surveys the scene, drops his compass, and leverages his own personal wand at the meat monster.

"OK," he says. "I see I'm outnumbered, and out-axed. I am a big enough man to admit defeat, so here is the deal I will make everybody on this train. This meat monster is equipped with one of Hudson's hands. I grew this monster  _ out _ of Hudson's hand. And if he is destroyed, like the other one you just killed, then the hand will be lost, and we will have no way of getting back into the  _ engine _ car, to slow down the train before it arrives in Neverwinter in…" He looks at his pocketwatch. "…in about ten minutes. So, everybody is going to  _ back off _ , and  _ shut the door _ to this car. Leave me to find my treasure, and we'll be able to stop this train in time. What do you say?"

Magnus looks at Taako. "Hey, you think you can figure out that port wand thing?"

" _ Absolutely _ ."

"OK, cool."

"…Probably."

"Good enough for me." Magnus levels a stare at Jenkins. "We don't need that hand."

Jenkins nods slowly. "No takers, huh?"

Taako grins. "No thanks, Papa."

"Go fuck yourself, Wankins," hisses Magnus. 

"Yeah!" says Taako. "Yeah, what he said! Imagine me saying it too, but angrier."

"And simultaneously," says Magnus. "Like a Greek chorus."

"Well," says Jenkins, "OK."

He points his wand at the meat monster, and a bolt of fiery flame shoots out of it, intended to destroy the monster completely, hand and all. It probably would have, too, if Jenkins hadn't missed by an entire country mile, scorching the ceiling of the cargo car instead.

There's a beat of utter silence.

"The  _ worst wizard _ ," Taako whispers.

The meat monster trudges over to Jenkins, picks him up by the throat, and throws him out of the open caboose door.

"Smell you lateeeeeeer…" they hear Jenkins yelling as his voice fades and vanishes into the distance.

Merle finishes the weird,  _ weird  _ scene by casting one last Sacred Flame at the one remaining meat monster. It explodes into ash, and the ash floats harmlessly out the caboose door.

"There," says Merle. "That takes care of  _ that _ . What do you say we go stop a runaway train?"


	8. Like a Runaway Train, Never Comin' Back

If our heroes can't stop this runaway train

Then I'm going to have to find a new story to introduce…  
… **It's T _he Adventure Zone._**

~~~~

Taako, Merle, and Magnus stand in the cargo car of a luxury train en route to Neverwinter from Rockport. They just killed Jenkins, assuming he didn't survive his tumble from the moving train. (He didn't.) They just killed two reanimated meat monsters. Magnus hasn't told anyone he's having a little difficulty breathing due to severe internal bleeding and injury, and Merle stands in the midst of a pile of valuable items which spilled out of the open CryptSafe, including their own weapons — and, if they're lucky, a Relic capable of killing an entire city in one go, absolutely  _ desperate _ to put itself into the wrong hands. The train itself doesn't have an engineer anymore, which means it's barrelling towards Neverwinter at terminal velocity and if no one does anything to stop it, it's going to crash and burn and probably kill dozens if not hundreds of people.

All in all, things could be worse. Probably not  _ much _ worse, but you take your positivity where you can find it.

Jess and Graham barge into the cargo car, followed quickly by Angus. "Let's get  _ busy _ !" Jess yells as her axe appears in her hand. 

"… and  _ that's _ my entire plan for how we stop the train," Taako announces. "Oh, I guess they missed it, but I promise, it's a  _ really good  _ plan."

"Can you start over from the beginning?" Angus asks earnestly.

"Why don't you tell us your plan, and we'll see how it compares to his," Merle suggests.

"Yeah!" Taako says with a grin. " _ They're _ bored, they don't want to hear my plan again."

"I think we should probably find that item you were looking for first," Angus says, keeping his voice low enough that only Taako and Merle can hear it. "Before anyone else can get their hands on it."

Taako bends down and picks up the compass Jenkins was using, examining it with a critical eye. It's certainly not a  _ traditional _ compass; the needle doesn't point north. When Taako walks around the room with it, however, the needle moves as well, like a dousing rod, pointing to one specific location in the cargo car constantly. 

"What is that?" asks Angus curiously. "What have you got there?"

"Uh, I think it's a compass, but it's not pointing north. I thought I'd know more about it, but I don't. It's a dousing thing."

"What is it pointing towards — ? A  _ dousing rod.  _ Interesting. The killer's victims were all extremely wealthy — what if that dousing rod was able to point at the most valuable thing? It would explain how he could find  _ your _ object that nobody knew about, because if it's as powerful as you say I imagine it's incredibly valuable too."

"Well, that's a good point."

Merle steps over to their hushed conversation. "Why don't we examine the stuff in the CryptSafe? See if we can't find out which one it is."

They look at the pile on the floor. Merle's warhammer is there, along with Magnus's shield, both of which get swept up by their respective owners immediately. Other valuables include a fine set of silverware spilled out of a leather case onto the floor, a locked-up briefcase, a golden tiara, and a small set of sparkling gemstones. "Could we not walk around the room and use that compass to triangulate?" asks Merle. "'Cause if it keeps pointing to that most valuable item, and we walk around the room, eventually won't it lead us right to the item?"

"Yeah, that sounds like good thinking," Taako agrees, and he tosses Merle the compass. "Have at it."

The compass's needle spins out when Merle stands right over a small monocle with silvery trim around it and a long, silver chain spooling out onto the floor.

"Be careful," Taako calls out. "Because you remember, that thrall the previous item cast?"

"And the big-ass fire?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah." 

"This conversation probably sounds  _ crazy _ to everyone else."

"Probably!"

" _ What is going on over there? _ " Jess demands, right on cue.

"Nothing to see here, folks," Magnus assures them. "Nothing to see, move it along."

Merle stares down at the monocle on the floor. 

"I guess I should be the one to try to pick it up, right?" says Taako. "'Cause I resisted the thrall before."

"Yeah," says Magnus. "Sure. Solid."

"Are our bracers of no use here?" asks Merle.

Taako laughs. "Yeah! Can't we, like, scan it, or shoot a laser out of them, or something?" He walks over and kneels down and, very slowly and carefully, reaches his hand out towards the innocent-looking monocle.

The monocle begins to shake and rattle.

_ (Heeeeey. Heeeey, buddy. Put me on! I can make anything, anything you can imagine, turn real. Hey, buddy, come on.) _

Taako scoops up the monocle using the handle of his umbrella.

_ (Oh yeah, buddy, put me on. Put me on.) _

Taako doesn't put the monocle on.

_ (Aw, come on, buddy! Aw, buddy, come on, come on! Buddy, anything in the world, anything! What do you want? Just imagine it, and I can make it real, buddy!) _

"Joke's on you," Taako tells it, "I can't think very good. I have no imagination to tempt, my friend!" He throws the monocle into his satchel, and pats the bag with quiet satisfaction.

Taako's umbrella quivers suddenly in his hand, and, like it learned how to be a dousing rod from Jenkins' compass, it begins to tug Taako back towards the rear door of the cargo car. Jenkins' personal wand sits on the floor over there, a good distance away from his teleportation port wand, and the moment Taako realises the umbrella is pulling him towards one wand and not the other, he stops trying to resist it. The UmbraStaff opens up, turns inside-out like an umbrella in the wind, and the wand flies into its gaping mouth. The tines open and close like it's chewing the wand up, and when it closes again, the wand is completely gone.

There's a marking on the handle of the umbrella now, like a sigil, in the shape of a wand.

"Fuck yeah," Taako says, quietly and reverentially.

"I'm really glad everything is working out for you!" says Angus. "A wand got eaten by a… staff, that was pretty cool, and you did a thing with a monocle, and all that's great —"

"We solved this one, guys," Magnus interrupts, grinning from ear to ear.

"We  _ are _ still hurtling towards our death," Merle reminds him.

Graham looks at his pocketwatch. "Yeah, we've got about seven minutes before we arrive in Neverwinter, and if we don't start slowing down  _ now _ , it's gonna be  _ really bad. _ "

Taako picks up Jenkins' port wand. "Everybody out," he says, herding the entire group back into the dining car like a small pack of rambunctious puppies. When he's the last one left in the cargo car, he says: "OK, now everybody face the front of the train, and really focus on the engineer, what the engineer's room looks like. Really focus on it, OK?"

"And then clap if you believe in fairies," Merle adds.

"Everyone doing it? Everyone good? Face the front of the train and really  _ focus _ on it, OK?"

With no one watching, Taako turns around and scoops the remaining valuables into his satchel: tiara, silverware, briefcase, the lot. 

"OK, keep focusing, you're doing great!" he calls out as he ties his satchel off and joins everyone else in the dining car. It takes him a couple of tries to channel the transportation magic inherent in the port rod on the doorway, but he manages it in the end with a triumphant whoop.

"We're in the final stretch!" says Graham as they leave the mountain and blinding light floods the train. "We've got about four minutes before we hit Neverwinter! You've got to do something, quick!"

It's extremely disorienting, looking towards the back of the train and seeing the engineer's car hurtling  _ forward _ down the rail. Despite this, the entire group spills through the port's doorway almost immediately. 

"Listen," says Taako, "does anybody know how to stop a train?"

"I've been training my entire life for this," Graham answers, "so I could give it a shot!"

"Wait, you've been training your  _ entire life _ for this?" Magnus demands skeptically. 

"To be a train engineer, yeah! Absolutely! Everybody hold on tight!" 

Graham grabs the brake lever while Magnus pops his heaviness bean back into his mouth, and rears back full-strength, but the lever doesn't so much as move an inch. "Oh,  _ shit _ , hold on."

"You've been training your whole life to  _ pull a lever _ ?"

Graham begins jabbing a series of buttons on the console and twisting other knobs, but nothing happens.

"Guys," he says, "this one is  _ also _ locked to the engineer's handprint. Did anybody save one of those meat monsters' hands?"

"… No," says Magnus.

"We burned 'em up," says Merle, who looks more and more like that's a decision he one hundred percent regrets making. "Is it possible we can disconnect the locomotive from the rest of the train?"

"Yeah," Graham answers, "but the locomotive is still going to hit Neverwinter, and it's going to cause a lot of damage!"

"Have you  _ met _ us!?" says Merle. "We destroy shit  _ all the time _ !"

Graham punches more buttons. 

"I'm too young to die!" cries Angus, panicked. "Oh, god, no, this is going to be terrible! What do we do?"

"We're not going to be able to stop this train!" Graham says. "We need to destroy it somehow!"

"I say we blow up the locomotive and disconnect it!" says Merle. "We can stay in the back part!"

"I don't know that we have anything with that much power," Taako objects. "And besides, even if we did, you can't bring anything  _ in _ here through the port."

"Can we port the locomotive to somewhere else, then?" asks Magnus.

"There's an entry gate!" says Graham. "Into Neverwinter! The train has to go through there before we arrive at the platform."

"Wait a minute," says Taako excitedly, "I got it, I got it, I got it! OK, listen! This is stupid! Are you ready to do something  _ really _ stupid?"

"I'm willing to do  _ anything _ !" says Graham. "We have about two and a half minutes!"

Taako takes the port wand, steps back into the dining car, waves everyone through with him so they don't get destroyed when he closes the port spell, and rushes over to the door they first boarded the train through in the passenger car. He tugs the door open. Wind rushes deafeningly past.

"What I'm thinking is," he explains to the group at large, "I'm going to use this port wand to change the gate to Neverwinter, into a gate to  _ Phandalin _ . Because it's the only place I know of that's completely empty and made of glass."

"It can only have one entrance, though." Magnus thinks for a second. "Open it to Jenkins' garden! Fuck that dude."

"How big is Jenkins' garden?"

"Big enough for a train to crash into, probably!"

"That's good, though, I've  _ seen _ Jenkins' garden, I've watched him open the door, I know how to do it. I can change the gate at the last second into a door into Jenkins' garden."

"Cast levitate on all of us," Magnus tells him.

"No, no, listen. We've  _ got _ this. You just have to trust me."

"Now  _ wait _ a minute!" Merle immediately objects. "Is a garden really the  _ only _ place we can —?"

"No," says Magnus, putting one hand on Taako's shoulder. "Done. Fuck it. You know what, I trust you, Taako. I trust you."

Taako stares at him for a full beat of a second, more taken aback than one might expect someone to be. "OK — excellent."

Merle rolls his eyes, and puts one hand on Taako's hip. "That's as high as I can reach," he informs the pair.

"These are all really great goofs and a wonderful heartwarming moment, but we're going to hit the gate in exactly one minute!" Angus cries.

"Be cool for  _ one second,  _ Angus, for  _ one second _ !" Magnus argues. "This is a team-building moment! Make us all lighter, Taako, we can tie a rope to the CryptSafe and go out the back door, so we're separate from the train."

"I don't have enough Levitates to do that. I can't Levitate  _ all _ of us."

"Then levitate an object."

"You know what? Let's just jump."

"What?"

"How about that? Let's just jump off a moving train!" Taako leans out the open door to eyeball how far away the gate is. They appear to be thundering through a railyard, criss-crossed with other tracks, covered in lots of sand and dirt. They wouldn't fall 150 feet to their death if they leaped out of the train, but it would definitely  _ hurt _ .

"I don't know what the range on this is," says Taako when he pulls his head back in. "Everybody off! Everybody jump! I'll wait until we're closer, 'cause I don't want to risk losing the port."

"Are you sure about this?" Angus asks. "It seems like it's going to hurt a lot, sir!"

Taako pushes Angus out the open door. The young boy rolls a good distance away from the track, then sits up and gives them a distant thumbs-up.

"OK, everybody else off!" Taako announces.

Magnus silently volunteers to go next. He takes a single second to consider how injured he already is, how many ribs are probably  _ already _ broken, then he grits his teeth and leaps out, tucking and rolling in the air. 

He does  _ not _ sit up and give them a thumbs-up when he lands.

Jess leaps off next, making it seem effortless, and she skillfully lands on her feet running, like a cat. 

"Uh, Graham?" Taako hasn't looked away from Magnus's prone form yet, rapidly vanishing in the distance. "Once you're off, do you have any magics that could tend to his wounds?"

"Uh, I can give it a try! I've got —"

"Great, that's good enough for me. Bye!"

"I just want to say, I'm really proud of you."

"OK, good."

"And I just want you to know that —"

Taako pushes him off the train.

"— that I want to belikeyousomedaaaaaaaay—!"

"Alright, let's jump," Taako tells Merle. "'Cause we're  _ really _ close now."

"Yeah. You going to cast the thing?"

"Yeah, after I jump, I need to concentrate."

"Oh, it'll be  _ really _ easy to concentrate once you're rolling across those railroad tracks —"

"No, I mean I'll hop up at the last second and it'll be sweet."

"That'll be really cool."

"Yep."

As one, they both jump off the train. Merle lands hard and rolls damagingly across parallel tracks, but Taako manages to land almost as gracefully as Jess did, throwing in one of his patented sweet flips in the air for good measure. The moment he's balanced, he thrusts the port wand forward towards the entry gate and channels its magic into a giant port for Jenkins' garden. 

In a  _ flash _ , the train platform for Neverwinter disappears, and in its place they see the familiar garden, sporting bright flashes of colour and a peaceful atmosphere at odds with the rushing of the train. A cacophanous  **_ SMASH _ ** reverberates from the port as the train crashes into the glass container of the greenhouse. Flowers go flying. The spell shuts off, and with a loud  _ POP _ , the train and the garden both vanish completely.

Thus, the train journey ends in a fiery explosion in someone's back garden, and no one dead who doesn't deserve it, and really quite limited property damage. All things considered, Taako muses as he stares at the Neverwinter entry gate, this was far more successful than their  _ last _ attempt to recover a Relic. They didn't, for example, destroy a whole city this time.

"Oh, I just remembered something terrible," says Taako, as Merle and Angus both stumblingly join him. "We forgot to get the valuables off, before we did that."

"Oh,  _ no _ ," groans Angus. "I was transporting my grandpa's favourite silverware! I was going to give it to him as a Deathday present."

Taako looks at him. "Oh. Uh… he'll be happy you're alive, Angus, that's present enough."

"No, he said  _ specifically _ 'bring me my silverware, I'd like to see it one more time on my deathbed'."

"Aw. Maybe you'll get lucky and he'll be dead before you get there."

"We can only hope," Angus says forlornly.

~~~~

After Merle brings Magnus back from the precipice of death with his healing magic, the entire group limps into the Neverwinter train station, all a little battered, all a little bruised, and all 100% determined that they will never, ever board another train again in their entire lives, no matter  _ how _ many lives depends on it. Jess is the only exception, confidently leading the way as if she does this kind of thing all the time. Taako and Merle carry a semi-conscious Magnus between them, which is more possible than it originally seems thanks to Magnus's levitating boots.

Every single person on the platform stares at them. After all, they've just watched a train vanish into thin air, and no one seems to have any idea what to do next. Soldiers from the Neverwinter militia are there, and Angus goes to meet them, producing a small badge from his pocket. "It's OK," he assures them hoarsely, "they're with me!" He begins to explain what happened to a captive audience of militia and train passengers alike, and for once in the Tres Horny Boys' misadventures, it looks like someone else is going to be taking care of the aftermath chaos for them.

"Well," says Jess, clapping some dust off her hands, "that was  _ weird.  _ There was a lot of static talk, train disappeared, lot of really weird stuff just happened, but, uh… I gotta say, that was pretty exciting! I thought this was gonna be a boring hype tour, but you guys sure livened it up! So if you ever want to come to one of my matches, I can get you in for free. On the house, just say the word."

"Wait," says Magnus, lifting the hand on Taako's shoulder currently supporting most of his weight, and stumbling as a result. "Quick question, Jess. Is that soul-bound axe thing something you can teach me?"

"Uh, no. You gotta find it, you gotta love it, you gotta nurture it. It's a relationship."

"Will you give it to him?" asks Merle.

"I  _ can't _ , I already showed you that."

"Yeah, sorry, I thought that was going to be the next question."

"The problem is that it's going to be  _ way _ too heavy for him to even  _ hold _ , so…"

"You know what, Jess," says Magnus, miffed, "thanks so much, we'll see you later."

"It was super nice to meet you guys, though!" Jess assures him with a wide grin.

"You can piss right off."

"Jess," says Taako, "can I ask you one favour?"

"Yeah, hit me."

"When you tell people the story of what happened, and they ask if I said anything cool when Jenkins got knocked off the train, can you tell them I smiled and said, huh, no ticket?"

"Oh, that's  _ good _ !" says Merle.

Taako grins. "That's good, right? Tell them I said that, when you tell the story, OK?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure thing, buddy. I'll even trademark that for you."

Jess heads off with one last enthusiastic wave, splitting the throng of people around her like a heavy rock lodged into a still pond.

Graham walks over to them, looking both exhilarated and exhausted. "I've got to go write a report," he says. "This is going to be how I get my job for the Rockport Express! I'm gonna tell them everything that happened, and… yeah, I think this might be a way to get my foot in the door!"

"One suggestion, Graham," Merle says. "Don't bring up the whole destroying-an-entire-train thing."

"Right," Taako agrees. "You  _ may _ want to edit the story a little."

Graham nods enthusiastically. "I'll leave that part out. I'll say that you guys, using your wits — you guys are so great! — managed to slow the train down, and… well, no, they're probably going to see through that, because there's no train! There's just no train anymore! Where there once was a train, there is now no train, is what I'm saying. Anyway, super cool meeting you guys, can I get, like, your contact information? 'Cause I'd like to —"

"Let us be like two ships passing," Magnus interrupts. He's still semi-conscious and probably not in full control of his verbal speech.

Graham deflates a little. "I guess you're right, I guess the best friendships you make in this world are the ones that just… come to an end!"

"I will remember you," Magnus assures him, "until three months from now, when all we can remember is Juicy Wizard."

"That's fine, that's my name."

"And we'll always have Letterman's Basin," Merle adds.

"Do you guys know, by the way, the story of why my robes say 'Juicy' on the —?"

"OK, time to go!" Magnus announces.

"— oh. It was a great story, but I guess you'll never know!"

"Tell it to the bees," Magnus throws over his shoulder as Taako and Merle guide him carefully down the platform steps.

"OK, I'm gonna find some bees. Later, guys!"

Angus joins the trio as the militia begin to disperse, looking tired, but satisfied. "I gotta say, you guys," he tells them, "I'm  _ really _ proud of you. This was one of the toughest mysteries that I've ever solved by myself, and —"

"Wait, hold on," Magnus says with a frown. "I would say we solved this one  _ together _ ."

"Of course! It was a joint effort!"

" _ I _ would say we solved it  _ alone _ , without you," Merle decides.

"Well — that seems mean, I'm trying to do a heartfelt goodbye speech. I want you guys to have something. 'Cause I was going to take it back to the station, because it shouldn't fall into unsafe hands, but you guys seem like you'll be able to take care of it. And maybe you'll get a lot of use out of it!" Angus pulls the rusted compass out of his pocket and offers it to them.

Merle takes it and pops it open. The needle's currently pointing towards Taako's bag, which, he decides, only makes sense, given that the Relic is in there. "Thanks, kid," he says.

"Oh, and I have one other gift for you!" Angus produces a miniature tin of Pringles snacks from his satchel. "They're yours if you want 'em. I was going to have these as a train-time snack, but I forgot to eat them in the… train-times."

"Aw, perfect!" says Magnus with a huge grin. "Pringles for our roommate Pringles!"

"And I have something for  _ you _ ," Taako announces. "I — I managed to get one piece of the treasure out of the crypt, and it's —"

"You got my grandpa's silverware? You got the whole set!?"

"Well — I was only able to preserve a few pieces of it, but something's better than nothing, I guess." Taako reaches into his bag, shuffles a lot of things around, and comes out with three silver forks.

"Thanks," says Angus morosely as he takes them. "I was really — you got me really excited that you rescued the whole set, because — honestly, I think if I show just these three forks to my grandpa, he's just going to get angry."

"Listen, kid, I'm not a magic-worker, OK? … Well, I am, but — I am, in fact, a magic-worker, but —"

"Hey," says Magnus with a weak wave of one hand. "I'm still dying."

Angus smiles up at them all, and hands Taako a card that simply says 'Angus McDonald' on it. "If you guys ever run into any mysteries you can't solve, just drop me a line, and I'll be there in a flash!"

~~~~

Once the chaos ends at the train station platform, Taako and Merle find a clinic where Magnus can heal up properly in no time flat, and then all three find a nice secluded spot just outside the city where they can call up a Bureau of Balance glass ball and finally go home with their mission mercifully accomplished.

They briefly debate going shopping in Neverwinter, until Merle points out that Fantasy Costco already  _ has _ everything they would ever need — and in  _ bulk _ . "Besides," Taako reminds them, "I think the most important thing we can do is get these Pringles back to our roommate, …. Pringles? Was that his name?"

The now-familiar glass ball comes sailing over the mountains in response to the silent call of their bracers, shimmering in the sunlight. It leaves a little skid mark in the grass where it lands. They pile in, and just like before, the glass ball carries them up over the Teeth, over Letterman's Basin, over the clouds and up towards the moon.

Avi receives them in the launch room when they land, pulling open the sphere's door before it even comes to a complete stop. "Hey, guys!" he says cheerfully. "How'd it go?"

"Avi, listen, we need to get to the administrators as soon as possible," says Taako.

Avi blinks. "Did you recover a Relic?"

"Yeah, for sure!"

"You guys are  _ unstoppable _ ."

"Well…"

"You're fucking  _ legends _ ."

"We're like a runaway train, never comin' back!"

Avi leads them all to the Director's chamber, careful to avoid walking too close to Taako's bag, and the Director greets them with a bright smile as soon as they walk in. 

"I can't believe you've done it again," she says happily. "I  _ can't _ believe you've done this again."

Davenport pushes another lead sphere on a tray up to them and pops it open; Taako drops the monocle inside it (O _ h, come on, man, come on, I — _ ); Davenport shuts the lead sphere and wheels it off ( _ mmmmmmmmmmph!) _ . Magnus, Taako, Merle, and the Director watch with keen interest through the window as the sphere is rolled into the destruction chamber, lifts into the air, and is pierced by several columns of bright searing light. 

The ball descends. Davenport wheels it back out to the Director and opens it. It's completely empty.

The Director hums with an intense satisfaction. "You have just destroyed another incredibly powerful Relic," she tells them. "That Relic was imbued with impossible illusion magic. It's called the Oculus, and it is able to turn anything you create with illusion magic into something real, into something tangible."

"Well, that sounds great!" says Magnus.

"It's very great, yes, unless you use it to conjure an illusory army, or some sort of illusory dragon, or an illusory black hole that then destroys the world."

"But  _ we _ could have used that for so much good!"

"You  _ cannot _ use the Grand Relics for good. Their power overwhelms, and inevitably leads only to evil."

"But we could have used the power for  _ good _ , if it was used responsibly!"

"You better keep that shit in check," the Director tells him, both implacable and impatient. "Because that sort of thinking will consume you, and tear you apart from your friends, and lead you to create a  _ rival _ Bureau faction…"

"You're probably right," says Magnus with a sigh. "This will probably never come up again."

"Sorry," says Taako, "but once you get Magnus thinking about something, it's hard to get him to  _ stop _ . He's like a runaway train, never comin' back."

The Director nods. "I take it your adventure involved the train."

"Well, yeah," says Magnus, "you knew that, you sent us down there to get  _ on _ the train."

"I just would have thought you'd use your powers of persuasion to get the Relic off the train  _ before _ it even departed, but… the way that you did it was certainly interesting."

"Yeah, that's what we're here for."

"Ours had murder," Taako announces.

"Had what?"

"Murder. Foul."

"We made some good friends," Magnus adds, by way of an explanation, "and we grew closer as a group along the way.  _ I _ would say it was very satisfying."

"Well," the Director says with a smile, "friendship, I would say, is the greatest reward that you can receive in this life, or in any other life."

Magnus nods in agreement. "That said, it  _ is _ important that when we erase this from everyone's memories, we also erase it from, like, Angus, and Graham, I don't want those people calling us."

"Oh, that won't be necessary. We won't need to erase anyone's memory on  _ this _ job, because you didn't destroy a city this time."

"Is this our quarterly review?"

"This is your quarterly review! Compared to last time, a hundred percent year-over-year improvement."

"Yay!"

"Do you all want to get paid, or not?"

"Yeah."

" _ Yeah _ ."

"Yeah!"

The Director claps her hands. "Davenport!"


End file.
